My one of many abuses from an ex entailed...

being beaten,
being called derogatory Asian-shaming things,
being raped (yes, you can be raped in a relationship),
being peed on,
being forced to give oral sex (having someone's strong hand and strong words force your head on their private part, while grabbing and pulling and pushing your hair and head to the point that you don't even feel the pain on your head any longer, or the choking sensation, or the gross aftereffects of that act alone),
being sodomized and told that this is what you deserve,
having a loaded gun pointed to your head right before being raped,
having your body slammed against the wall, the floor, the furniture,
having your body punched so many times that you stop feeling it,
having your body harmed for hours and days, which makes you feel like you're watching a horror show instead of living it,
having your body seem separate from yours, and having the trauma seem like someone else's story, and having your very being appear invisible - because no one heard and no one came to the rescue,
...
and then hearing the apology, the pseudo love,
the gaslighting,
the blame,
the if you didn't ___, then I wouldn't have ____,
the if you leave, I will ____ threats or guilt trips,
the gifts, the attention you craved as a child but never got, the trauma bonding you experience when you were both riddled with trauma in your pasts, the pseudo belief that you could help your abuser, the continued trap,
...
until it happens again and again, without warning,
until something even more dangerous happens the next time,
like the time my ex put a foreign object inside me,
like the time my ex threatened my life,
like the time my ex and his friends in power were now threats to my life,
like the times I tried to get away, I tried to report without directly reporting,
and the times I got stalked by an ex who eventually let me go, but not before it took a toll on my life.

And that's just one abuser - one memory - one painful memoir.