I haven't been on PC for a while, things with me have been very up and down lately (big BIG downs, which I'd rather not mention... but recently some ups too, finally have some dreams again)
Last Wednesday I saw my councillor for the first time... I found the whole experience awful and at the end of it and even now can't see how it is going to help me, even though I KNOW I need that extra bit of help. She is a volunteer councillor so isn't getting paid to see me and the impression I get from her is that she honestly doesn't care whether she helps me or not (or helps me hep myself should I say).
I know things can't suddenly get better the first time you talk to someone, but I can't see this helping... but I've no other options anymore.
I wasn't expecting her to wave a magic wand and make things go away and things get better. I'm not expecting her to say "if you do this, this and this then you'll get better"... I just feel like I need a bit more input... I, myself don't know what to do... and talking to a stranger doesn't help me feel better in the slightest 'cause my problems are still they and they always will be, I just need a bit of extra help to help me to cope better and to deal with things better. She told me she was there to listen and I was there to talk. Every time I stopped talking there was silence... she didn't ask me questions, didn't comment... I just felt that if this is what counseling is like people ought not to go and just sit in-front of a mirror every night reeling off their emotions.
This woman even said to me "you have a right to feel these feelings, you have a right to be depressed"... I know I do, but I don't want to be depressed! It's controlling my life and I'm really struggling to be alive, I don't want to be because I can't be like this anymore I hate it!
Maybe I was naive to go and think that they could at least offer me suggestions as to how to deal with things... suggestions I could take or disregard.
But, I am going to see her again tomorrow evening to see if it's any better... but it is honestly making me depressed just thinking about going because last week I ended up worse than when I went... not because it brought up memories and past experiences or anything, but because I knew that I was depressed because of certain things that will not resolve or go away, they are always there and I can't deal with those things.
I don't really want to go tomorrow, but I will. Sorry if that was a rant, I'm just a bit overwhelmed by things that have happened lately and I thought that finally talking to a councillor would help me see that I can be happy some day and I can get away from these problems even though I can't get rid of them.
I'm just feeling really really low and lonely right now

Molly

oh and sorry it's so long, don't expect anyone to read it all, if any... but thanks for letting me breath for a bit