Right this is my first time on a forum. I am so confused. I do still have feelings for my husband of 22yrs (I think - not sure it is enough though) we are still intimate with each other occasionally. I don't feel like we are the same people anymore. We have 2 children 16 and 21. 16yr old son has left as he can't live in the same house as my husband. (Very long additional story there) my 21yr old daughter still lives at home. I don't think our relationship is healthy. I have tried talking to him but I do feel there are some emotional abuse issues so I end up getting stonewalled or gaslight and then he sulks and the tension is so bad I basically cave in to relieve the atmosphere. Everyone thinks he is lovely and would do anything for anyone but that is not the reality. He is moody and aggressive with words not physical. I am financially independent he works but sporadically. I am scared to leave (tried 12 months ago and
he has no real family or support. Has both depression and addiction issues. Sounds easy right? GET OUT. Much harder to actually do though. How do I actually start planning. I don't want to disappear, we have kids and that feels cruel. But trying to have a conversation is impossible too. I am so worried about the fact I was 21 now 43 haven't really been on my own. I have anxiety and self esteem issues. I am not thinking about anyone else but I am a little scared to be on my own. (Even though I feel like that anyway!) I have asked for us to go to relate etc but he says we are fine our issues are with the kids, he really doesn't see his behaviour. Ridiculously he sees it in other people or TV and comments about how awful it is to do that to someone. I don't know if I am being selfish and unreasonable but the kids, home and every domestic aspect are my responsibility and it is all just so hard. Sorry ended up in a massive ramble but I really needed to get it all out. Any advice from anyone in a similar situation? Thanks. (I have contacted a therapist today to explore my feelings and help me to make a decision)