You deserve an award for the support you’ve provided to your family and your wife. I can’t say I would’ve lasted that long with this level of neglect and narcissistic behavior. I too don’t believe your wife is that type of person in general. From what I’ve read it seems like everyone has hinted at good points and good suggestions. I was going to suggest writing what you want/need from her and have her read it to you. But the other guys writing suggestion seems more impactful for your situation. But here’s something similar to my struggle. The wife has been sick for years and hasn’t been able to leave the house on her own. Yes, codependency is probably really strong in her case, but also some cabin fever. Her comfort zone has shrunk to the perimeter of your house. Suggest her joining a fitness group (if her illness allows it) or some social outdoor group where she can expose herself to others outside the house she lives in.
I live abroad and have for a few years now, and my wife created a business working from home. Which is pretty amazing considering her situation. But is dealing with codependent issues, cabin fever, and this mindset that everything is my problem to solve. The biggest movement I get from her on these issues is: when she meets/hangs out with people with similar issues, and she realizes those issues in those people and asks me if she does those things. Fortunately she recognises them on her own, but that’s also key. Having them realize how bad they’re treating you, and if your wife is as good of a person who you think she is she will change (make an effort to atleast).
Wishing you the best man! Seriously give yourself a pat on the back or an air bro hug from me! I know your not perfect nor handled every situation great But holy cow, look at how far you’ve come as a result and know you didn’t leave her/give up/stop loving her.