I'm glad you are seeking care, puzzclar. I call the veterans crisis line (which is the same number as the national suicide prevention line) just to help me through my pre-crisis moments (you don't need to be suicidal to call; you can simply call when you are having suicidal ideation or when you are in crisis and want to prevent suicidal ideation and attempts). Last year, I called them nearly every day - sometimes twice in one day. They really helped, even though at the time nothing seemed to help.

I also reached out locally to friends online, to old friends far away, to anyone who could help - even though nothing seemed to help. At least I bought myself time spending time seeking help. It's exhausting enough to help me finally go to sleep, only to wake up feeling miserable again. But over time, after about 6 months of online therapy twice per week, I got better. I didn't wake up with suicidal thoughts every morning. (My T would send a good-morning email every morning; she didn't respond to my emails, but she'd allow me to send her emails so that I can process those things in our sessions; that was a boundary, but her good-morning emails helped us not feel so bad every morning. My T doesn't always send us good-morning emails anymore, but she does every once in a while.)

I hope you can find a stronger support system locally, in addition to online. And I hope you can communicate your fears to your current T, so that your current T doesn't call all those cops on you. That's horrible. I had that happen to me years ago, and I was retraumatized from that. I left my T and found a new one.

I hope you're doing okay. Please don't give up.