I quit my job about 2 weeks ago. While at first I was worried about the lack of masks worn by my coworkers (I problem solved that, got over it), it turned out to be a really poor fit for me in the department I was in. The young man training me, I was finding myself uncomfortable with him - whether it was his training style or just lack of interpersonal skills or both, I did not feel ready to go on my own with this work, and I felt stressed by him (he did not give me much guidance in some areas, assumed I knew what I was doing after showing me just once, and used a condescending tone with me in front of customers). The day I quit, I practically ran out the door. He triggered me literally, regardless of if he meant to, and he probably didn't mean to, but I felt that he was being a jerk (though he also wasn't a bad person) and it was just a poor fit with him as well as the department. I wasn't sure about working in that department - there was a lot to learn and train in, and I was coming to realize it wasn't for me, that department.


Later that same day that I quit, I realized that I could have made it work, if I'd thought to go to the main boss and tell her it wasn't working out. If I'd asked her to put me in a different department, I'm sure she would have. But the way I quit, I literally just told her I couldn't do it, and walked out the door. A week after I left, I tried sending a well crafted and professional email to her. I didn't like how I left, and even just for my own self respect, I wanted to give her a better explanation, even though I didn't owe her that, and wishing her well, etc. It bounced back to me. So that was that. I tried.


On top of that, the place where I get job coaching support dropped my case because of this. They have guidelines and expectations of those they help, and because I didn't give 2 weeks notice or notify her first that I was quitting, they dropped my case. I felt at first, like I was being punished. My job coach was really hurtful, on top of all this! She would not communicate with me about why I was she was asking me to come in, her body language and tone of voice was angry, and I ended up leaving without even meeting, and she called after me that I was making a poor choice by leaving. It was ****ed up. I was so upset. I complained about her to the director. It was really out of character for her to act that way, but it's still not okay.


It helped to talk to the director. But I decided that their program is not for me. And he decided to end my case, because they are not therapists, and he recommends me working with my therapist more on my low confidence (his words). He did apologize to me about her behavior, and he is looking into it. He expressed what he feels she could have done differently. It was helpful.


But my stance, through this whole thing, has been: I want to continue looking for work. I haven't worked in 8 years, and I'm sick of not working. I want to work, and next time I'm faced with something like this, like with my training manager, I want to do it differently, even though it really was so triggering that that day all I could think of was running out the door.


So, I didn't at first, but now I feel a LOT of shame. Talking to my therapist....I wonder if she has contributed a little. After asking her about some of her reactions to what I said about the guy training me, she wonders if his intent wasn't to be a jerk, and that maybe I misinterpreted it, because in the past I have misinterpreted things with people. It just feels really invalidating. At first I agreed with her that I don't know. But...there's such a thing as intent vs impact. And this dude was young, seemed angry and unstable, I was intimidated by him despite this, I was new, nervous, trying my hardest, and whether he meant to be a jerk or not (maybe he didn't, I'm not sure what he "meant" matters), I felt so hurt by his tone and demeanor and training style that I left and never went back. Something triggered me and I was like "oh hell no not again" I have been in these situations before, and I have trauma from being bullied and treated poorly in school and in work situations.


I also feel like I am suddenly...NOT ready to keep looking for work. I am afraid. I am afraid of it happening again. I am afraid of the bad feelings. I am afraid of people being mean to me. For ****'s sake, even my job coach was mean. I also just feel so bad about myself. I don't know why, because it was...me leaving was actually a change in how I'd handle this **** in the past: I have been treated horribly at jobs in the past, and all I did was pretend like it wasn't happening. And I stayed. Until I literally couldn't take it anymore, and broke, and ended up in the hospital. This time, I didn't take it. I left right away. I'm proud of myself for this, despite the fact that I will find a way to do it differently next time.


So now I'm finding myself with all these ****ing self help books. Brene Brown, a ptsd/resilience workbook.......but I'm not going to solve my trauma and issues in just a couple weeks. It will take years. And I want to work now. And I also feel really knocked down. And its hard to get back up. Especially after what happened with the job coach. And even the director said I should take some time to work with my therapist. His words got to me. But my therapist says "how will you learn to deal with painful situations with people if you don't put yourself in the situations? Like working." I totally agree. Volunteering is so cozy and cushy. Everyone's nice. I'm not going to grow or "Get 'ready' to work" and for these hard situations by volunteering.


But I just feel so knocked down now. How do I get back up? All of a sudden, I don't feel ready. How do I feel ready again?