Please be gentle and considerate in how you offer advice in response to this inquiry. We have so much tragedy in our family life, and I am seeking sincere and heartfelt feedback. Please just be kind.
I have suspected for a month or so that my partner of 11 years is involved with another woman. I have confronted him, but he has denied any wrong-doing. I have kept my radar finely tuned, and the circumstantial evidence continued to build. We have other issues relating to financial infidelity (detailed in another post), but this situation has been shocking for me. Still, I began to realize that our relationship is likely beyond repair, and started the mental exercise of imagining myself single, but still involved with my precious 13 year-old stepson. I share a very strong bond with him, as we have been together as a family since he was two years old. He has lived in our home full time for 2.5 years, after his mother (who suffers from mental health issues) moved to another state for a new relationship. The truth is, nobody has spent more time with this child in his life than I have. I am his "person," and I am his mother, despite not giving birth to him.
My dilemma is this - his birth mother died
She was a notable figure in our community, and so the airwaves are abuzz. Of course, this brings another set of critical variables to this family equation - not only is my stepson relying almost solely on me for guidance, comfort, and reassurance, it also means that my partner and I have been called to a different level of accountability for the troubles in our relationship. We really HAVE to commit to working through our problems because our son, and his adult sisters, need us to be stable, strong and united. I have made this clear to my partner in the wake of his ex-wife's suicide, but he seems to be emotionally incapacitated and largely unavailable to his son because of it.
This morning I was advised by a trusted friend that there are a lot of conversations going on around town about this tragedy, and some of those conversations are detailing my husband's affair. Many people are wondering if he and I are still together, because he has been seen in town with this woman, and some people report seeing his car at her home. I am not shocked, but I am overwhelmed. I have asked him directly in the past if he was in a relationship with her, and he has denied and deflected. I still have no real proof other than "town talk," but someone went so far as to say "if she doesn't believe it, just drive to this address..."
I believe they have traveled together on several occasions, leaving our son home with me while he engages in whatever... This makes me even angrier, because it is not just a betrayal of our relationship, it is a betrayal of his relationship with his son. Now I am facing the real prospect of the dissolution of our relationship in the wake of this horrible tragedy, which has the potential to further traumatize our son. I am willing to go the distance as long as the affair is COMPLETELY terminated - totally no contact - and there is a commitment to counseling, but I won't make any promises beyond trying to repair what he has broken.
I understand that I have been played. I understand that I will likely never fully be able to trust my partner again, but I feel that our son is worth the effort.
What would you do?