I took my son to trunk or treat tonight. Him growing up past elementary age is really getting to me. Walking around trunk or treat at his school made me realize I know none of the parents, I know none of the teachers, I know none of the parents. I’m just really disappointed in myself for missing most of his childhood. I mean when he was little little I was seriously ill. Then my first husband died and I was a wreck for a long time. Things didn’t get better until I found the para job and met RS. By that time he was already 8. I mean I was friendly with a couple of parents at his old school but I never knew anyone from this new school. But that’s not all my fault; he started there in 2019 so 2/3 of a way through the school year all hell broke loose and everything got shut down this year is the first “normal” year he’s had in this school.

I just never felt like I fit in with those parents. Never thought I could be more than surface acquaintances. I mean honestly that goes for anyone. I’m good friends with both my SILs but that’s about it. I’m too worried that people will judge me if I let them in. And in reality those people may have been through just as much as I have and struggled just like me but none of us will ever know because we’re all afraid of judgment.

I’m just sad I guess. My son’s 11th birthday is in less than a month and he’s only going to want to hang out with me for so much longer. And he’s so unsure of himself, he’s unwilling to try anything new because he thinks he’ll fail and I don’t want him to be like that. But I guess I can only guide, not decide.