(((Clover1009)))

So sorry for all that you're going through, and for your losses - both with the death in the family and the possible infidelity (relational loss).

It sounds like you are hurting, given the betrayal traumas you're experiencing with all this - with both rumors from the town and with denials from your partner. It also sounds like you are concerned for your stepson's well-being.

Some suggestions in finding professional help:

1. Find a counselor who can see you individually.
2. Find a family systems therapist to help your entire family through this tragedy, and otherwise.
3. Find a marital counselor who can see both you and your partner regarding your concerns.
4. Or find a therapist who can do all the above, though it might be best to find at least one individual therapist on top of the marital counselor, since the marital counselor could serve also as the family systems therapist as well.

Some suggestions apart from the professional help:

1. Make a journal about all of your suspicions. List the rumors and who said what. List the times and dates if you need to. If you are married, this could help with divorce, should that be an option in the future. Also list any evidence that supports your claim that he is (a) cheating and (b) lying to you.

2. Make a separate journal with pros and cons about staying in this relationship. Along with the pros, what's your reasoning? To maintain a relationship with your stepson? To seek the overall wellbeing of your stepson (even though staying together might actually be harming your stepson's growth, though only a family systems therapist can really ascertain if that's the case)? To hope that your partner will fess up and change his ways (that's wishful thinking, or denial about the grief process concerning the loss of a faithful partnership, if he is not honest and willing to be honest about all this)? To avoid loneliness and being single during this time? To avoid feeling needed in the relationship? Also, what's the cons, and what's the reasoning behind the cons of staying? Will you be always hypervigilant about your partner's faithfulness, meaning that you become so involved in seeing if he's cheating that it affects your own mental health, as well as your stepson's? Will it affect your stepson in a negative way by staying together? If so, how? Will there be legal issues the longer you try to remain in the relationship (this could also be a pro in staying in the relationship)? What freedoms can you see (without feeling guilty) about leaving your partner?

3. Make another separate journal about your own past traumas, your own trauma triggers (because relational loss is traumatic - due to the level of betrayal involved), your own fears of what this means for you, and how you're not feeling good about yourself, your life, your relationships, and other things you notice about yourself. This particular journal is about you - not about whether or not you will maintain a relationship with either your partner or your stepson, but rather about you and how this has impacted you. Have you spent more time worrying about this than actually enjoying life and the upcoming holidays? What about this semi-celebrity status or popularity in town has affected you, personally, during all this? Do you feel that rumors are affecting your reputation (reputational loss), identity (identity loss), wellbeing (health loss), etc.? Do you feel that this relationship, overall, has had too many ups and downs or one major honeymoon phase with a long line of growing apart, and thus affecting how you are living your life? What would you like to see for you? What were your dreams before and during your relationship with your partner? Have your dreams shifted or changed?

3. Do you have any close friends or social networks locally? Are they helping you to deal with the rumors, etc.? Can you find local support to deal with this, in addition to professional support?

4. What kind of relationship do you have with those in the community spreading such rumors? Are they your friends and thus trying to protect you, or are they his friends, or are they mere gossipers that are stirring the pot? Can you maybe set a boundary with some of them and kindly ask them why they are telling you this, and if they aren't sure, if they could keep their opinions to themselves or go directly to the source - meaning him and his so-called mistress - to address them in person? Why attack the victim (the cheated on), when someone sees something? Why not address the cheater instead? Wouldn't that alert the cheater to be more honest, rather than coming to the partner behind his back? Could you even mention this to the rumor-spreaders in town? That might help you win your own case, garnering some level of support in a different way, or seeing who your real friends are if they remain gossipers instead of going to the source.

5. Could you see about having a relationship with your stepson if you do break up with your partner? Could you perhaps ask your stepson (if he's of age) what your stepson has heard, and if he has in fact heard these rumors, what he thinks about all this, and how this has affected him? Communication is key, but it depends on the age. If your stepson has no clue what is going on (don't assume, but ask first), then perhaps your stepson needn't know at this time what is going on. But if you are planning to separate or break up, you will need to communicate that with both your partners and stepson. Staying in a relationship and hoping the other will change reminds me of those trying to stay in abusive relationships, domestic violence relationships, intimate partner violence relationships, and addiction-based relationships. You can't make the other person change for the better. You can only do what is best for you. And if your stepson is in his custody, you can be a support to him and suggest some tips, but it's really up to his legal guardian to deal with the mess he's created, as it's not your fault. You need to do what is best for you. The consequences of his actions, if he did, in fact, cheat, are his consequences - not yours. You are only protecting yourself. And even if he isn't cheating or even if you don't have proof, your relationship that remains stale at this point is key that something is wrong in your relationship regardless of whether he cheated or not. You have to figure out if you are willing to stay in this relationship that is causing you turmoil, or to free yourself from it and move forward, because you can't change his behaviors - whatever they may be. Also, if you do have joint custody of your stepson, then consider all that, too. Write those thoughts out. Truly seek what is best for your stepson - because staying might NOT be the best for him either. If need be, make as many separate journals about each relationship you have that might be affected by your breakup or staying together. This may help guide you into your proactive (versus reactive) steps in the future.

6. Take time to self-care. Take a break from worrying about relationships and spend time - at least an hour each day - just to yourself. Set a boundary to spend that special time with yourself. Take a bath. Go for a walk. Listen to music. Burn a candle. Give yourself a mani-pedi. Tell yourself positive affirmations. Do what you can to meditate on the positives about yourself, and what you deserve. Don't include your problems or relationships during this time; make it about your time. After refreshing yourself, then return to your day.

7. Additionally, set aside specific times to deal with your filial issues. Perhaps you want to work on your relationship issues on the weekends or when you both have a day off or during the work day. Do whatever you can to avoid filling up all your time with these issues. Set a limit on the time you will deal with them, such as maybe 2 hours on the weekend, but only during the daytime. Avoid getting upset right before bedtime, or right before a stressful meeting or appointment. Space your time out to self-care and prioritize your own health with the needs of the day and the needs of your relationships.

8. Make a vision board of the things you want in life - from past on the left (maybe from childhood or young adulthood) to the present on the right (things you want now). See how they've changed. Make this board about you. Use art supplies, magazine cutouts, etc. Be creative. Write a poem, anything. Keep this for you to reflect on when you are faced with any challenges in life - especially as you age. See how you can find meaning and purpose in your life over and over again, because your life is yours - even if you are in partnership with someone else. Make sure that your partnership is a true partnership that doesn't detract from your goals and dreams, but rather embraces them and helps you both to move forward together.

9. If you are still in a close relationship with your partner, make a vision board for both of you - which will differ from your own vision board in step #8. This is a project you work on together. You both have dreams and goals that you want to share and be supported in together, and you pick which side (right or left) you each start on. Then you meet in the middle and create a vision that both of you share together. You typically would discuss this with a marital counselor or family systems counselor.

10. You can also repeat step #9 with your stepson and both you and your partner, or have a separate one with just you and your stepson and then your partner and your stepson. This could be great talking points in family meetings on the weekends and/or with a family systems/marital counselor.

11. If your partner or stepson don't agree to those things, find out what they would compromise on. Communication is key here, even if it winds up in a mutual or needed breakup. See what works for you all. And if you are all at an impasse, see then what works best for you.

12. The advice you might receive from others will differ. Take what works, leave what doesn't, and ignore the judgments or the misunderstandings. Not everyone knows the ins and outs of your relationship, so they might say some harsh stuff or some unintentional insensitive stuff. Be sensitive with the people who want to help, too, as this is tough asking for someone on the outside of your relationship to offer help in an area that could make or break your relationship.

Hope these tips help.