Did the pandemic bring up these feelings, or did you have these feelings before the pandemic?

Do you know the source of your trigger(s)?

If medications aren't helping, have you considered seeing a talk therapist (psychotherapist, social worker, MFT, LPC, etc.) to help you figure out when these thoughts started and what triggered them? That might help if you receive CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) or some other talk-therapy treatment to help you cope with these negative thoughts and your resulting anxiety.

When I used to be on anti-anxiety meds, they only helped relieve the heart palpitations and body tenseness, but they never stopped my thoughts. In fact, my thoughts worsened for some reason, and I also dissociated. Over time, I was weaned off of anti-anxiety meds (benzos) and instead learned how to use coping skills and alternative resources to reduce my anxiety.

Some of my coping skills entailed a certain form of CBT for trauma.

For example, when I had the automatic thoughts of, "I'm going to die a premature death, or I'm going to be tortured and retraumatized in life," which made me feel the emotions fear, anxiety, panic, hopelessness, and depression (among other feelings), which also affected my body (somatic responses such as stomach aches or headaches or feeling tense), I tried to figure out what was going on at the time I had these automatic thoughts with resulting feelings/emotions and somatic responses. Sometimes I could identify the trigger, and sometimes I couldn't, due to my dissociative disorder. But if you don't have a dissociative disorder, you might be able to figure out what you're triggered by more easily. For me, it was a combination of triggers (before the pandemic), such as men who I worked closely with that week and whom reminded me of my past childhood and early adulthood abuses, where my life felt threatened. It was also my PTSD and being hypervigilant to the dangers around me, including my willfully watching or reading the news all the time.

Last year, I felt really threatened when the pandemic hit, and when I thought all these divisions and my own loneliness from the world meant that I would die being hated, tortured with ventilators, and alone. I was terrified for months, and I was feeling suicidal but also afraid of the spiritual threats I received in the past about feeling suicidal. None of that helped me calm down, and I panicked a lot.

But my T and the many calls to the crisis line (same number for civilians and veterans, by the way, except veterans press 1 I think) helped me to get validated for my feelings, find safe things in my environment, find safe ways to reach out to others online (especially when we were on lockdown), find safe resources to help me with my needs (like the local mutual aid groups that were previously on Facebook or certain websites), find safer news stations to listen to, and find better coping skills (like limiting my time reading/watching the news, and learning to pause and breathe, and learning to pace and contain). My T allowed me to email her, too. She didn't respond to my emails all the time, but she would read them and discuss them in our sessions. After about six months, her schedule cleared enough to see me twice a week. Since Fall 2020, I've continued to see her twice a week online only. I missed seeing her in person, but I'm too afraid to see anyone in person. I'm afraid that I will give them the 'Rona and get them killed. But that doesn't mean I don't want to see anyone. I'm miserable in my apartment and being alone and house-bound for 19/20 months now.

I keep telling myself positive affirmations, such as:
* I can always make new friends.
* These feelings will eventually pass, as long as I keep using the coping skills to help me overcome these feelings.
* I have internal strengths that I can use to help me through these rough times (such as trying to be optimistic, and being resourceful in finding resources to help me - such as the crisis line and my T).
* I have some social support, and I can eventually find people I can trust and feel close to when I'm ready.
* My apartment is safe.
* The resources available to call or email are safe.
* My T is safe.
* There are medical and scientific advancements that help us to survive, heal, and improve our quality of life.
* There are protective factors like resources to help connect us with others in our local areas, higher education, and hobbies we can find with others who have similar interests.
* There are protective factors like being able to call 9-1-1 for help when there is an emergency (unless you are a minority and fear police brutality, which is another issue altogether, but a real one in certain jurisdictions, sadly; but even then, there are victim's advocates and other advocates who can help in even those times).
* I can improve my social skills so that I can make more close friends in the future.
* I am worthy of being liked and loved.
* I deserve to be safe.
* I deserve to be happy.

You can make your own list of affirmations, as well as your own list of things you find safe. That's part of coping.

You can also journal and try to find your triggers. When you find your triggers, you can also use CBT or other coping tools to reframe what triggered you, such as, the memories of the past do not mean that I'm in danger today. Or, if I'm in danger today, I can find tools that help me me safe. With the guidance of a professional, such as a talk therapist, you can learn these coping skills. It may be hard at first, but it gets easier over time.

Our negative self-talk means self-sabotaging our happiness and self-harming our way through a life that we would otherwise deserve. It's understandable why you would feel these fears, and it's good to be cautious when in danger or feeling threatened. However, it's also good to find safe things so that we can take a break from constantly being on guard.

I couldn't have learned these things without therapy/counseling as well as social supports that helped me with some of these things.

Your feelings are valid, and you're not alone in the struggle (even if you are lonely and live alone). There are resources that can help you, and what you feel now is temporary (even though society constantly and subtly reminds us about age, ageism, and medical problems, medical stigmas, etc.). The best way to fight structural violence that triggers our own sense of safety is finding a validating and trustworthy social support network, being an advocate or finding advocates, being empowered with others who are standing up for their rights to safety and inclusiveness, etc. When you feel belonged in multiple areas in life, you don't feel so alone.

Hope some of these tips help you to find help and receive it.

(((safe thoughts and safe hugs)))