I’m not doing the best today. I would describe it as trying to wish the day away. What I mean is, I’m trying to force this weekend to end by not having to do much in it – sleep more, stay distracted – really just take chunks of time and wait them out for events that have to happen. Example? I wake up – ok, just do something until lunch, until dinner, take a nap, it’s finally night time. Take your meds a bit early and go back to bed… etc.
I tend to do this when I feel anxious or want to get pressing/important things over with that are coming up. I’ve stressed out this week about next week. I have a lot of appointments beginning of the week. The lucky part is they take place early, so that is a plus. I can literally get them over with, assuming I can get through the days leading up to it. Lol

I’m not really in a bad mood state – my medicines really have made the difference for me, but a lot of peripheral issues are coming up and making me feel uneasy. I need to better my life in a lot of ways but I am not making progress. I don’t like how slow therapy works – I’m struggling now, I don’t want to wait out 4-5 sessions to unpack everything with someone new. I don’t want to even address half of it. I don’t want to even look myself in the mirror because I hate the fact I’m unable to help myself.

I don’t guess I have a real grasp of what my issue is or how to fix it at this point. I just want to get to a point I can at least be autonomous again. [Sorry for the vagueness, but I have no want to to elaborate more.]

I need to eat healthier. I am technically a healthy weight but I don’t like my body and I have some worries about the PCP visit. I am sure she’ll wanna do blood work, which is fine – I’m just nervous it’ll show some issues – like high cholesterol (which the amount of fast food and processed foods I eat, wouldn’t be a surprise) – My blood pressure at home always runs “elevated” and the last time I went to the doctor was actually high. I’m worried she’ll see concern there. I know they are simple problems with pretty simple solutions [change in diet, perhaps meds] but still. I shouldn’t worry until necessary, but I can’t seem to help myself.