I'm sorry you're feeling so bad, Deilla. It sounds like you're way down in a very deep hole. Feeling rejected and unlovable is one of the most soul crushing things a person can experience. To feel lonely and think there's nothing you can do about it is torture. I get that way sometimes. It can make you wish you were never born.

On top of how bad you feel, there is the frustration that those closest to you don't understand. Maybe they really don't care. I can't say. But it sounds like no one is there for you.

Keep posting. Online support doesn't make up for what's missing in real life. But it might be better than nothing. That inner critic can be a demon. Try telling the demon to shut up. Demons are liars.