My depressive tailspin blew over. I took enough of various meds to knock myself out last night, and I got a good night's sleep. I'm not depressed really today. I won't be doing any crying today. Funny how that despondency comes in like a weather front and then lifts like fog dissipating. I don't feel great, but this is a big enough improvement to feel like quite a relief.

Past 2 hours, my thought processes have been kind of manic. I wish I had a doctor or counselor I could really work with to try and modify this constant cycling that I do. I did all that to death in past years. I spent thousands out of my own pocket on shrinks and therapists, besides the treatment that insurance paid for. I stuck with some of those professionals for years at a time. I can't say any of it had much impact. I was put on all kind of psychotropics. Most did nothing. So now I just see my PCP where we hardly ever discuss my psych history. She prescribes my tricyclic antidepressant. I ride out the bumpy stretches with no help from anyone.

Last year I did get inpatient psych care after my boyfriend died. That was very helpful, mainly because I had some really nice peers on the psych units. Interacting with them was what pulled me out of despair. The meds they gave me did nothing. I wish I had a professional to talk to who would really understand, even if they had nothing else to offer treatment-wise.