HI
Can I just say how much your message meant to me.
SO MUCH of what you said resonated and mirrors my experience.
- good at being friends, but we were not good partners
-horrendous guilt for starting the process to end it.
-He wants to work it out, I just cannot see a way to do so
- None of the "obvious" get out of divorce "free" cards( physical abuse, substance abuse, infidelity etc) though emotional abuse was a thing.
First of all: statistically more women file for divorce than men, so there is that. Mostly because, I think, we tend to be more aware of the emotional fallout and get to a point where we just cannot take it any more.
I'm at that point. I walked out 2.5 yrs ago and left to go study abroad after being with him for (now) 17 yrs. ANd like what you experienced during covid I experienced while on a 1yr long "dream" (make that emotional nightmare) holiday .
I got to the point one day where I had an epiphany. I stood on a beach looking out a gorgeous view , alone (since as usual he left me to do his own thing) I realized there was 3 outcomes:
I have Crohns disease. That means strong emotion and stress is like jet fuel to my disease. I have had it for 13 years. It radically changed me and my outlook on life as I had to adapt with living with a chronic disease that causes high levels of pain. Bottom line, the fun travel loving adventure girl he married, died in an ER some years back, and who left the hospital (after weeks, where he visited infrequently and never for long) was a woman who was either going to have to radically change her life or die of this disease in 5 years max.
SO I left to retrain in Italy. He knew I was unhappy since a lot had happened and he knew it was make or break time. I also had to retrain since I could no longer do my job as is due to the disease. He supported me and tried to do what he could to change.
But the things that were unbearable to live with, he cannot change.
He's on the spectrum (I now realize) so he will never stop being OCD and controlling and emotionally incapable of supporting me when I go through hell. (like he did when I had numerous miscarriages, was in the hospital fighting for my life due to the disease or even recently with Covid- suppressed immune system made that a rough ride). He gets emotionally overwhelmed, shuts down, leaves (either physically or mentally) and thats that.
So I know I have no choice but to leave this relationship, because staying will literally amp my disease up till it kills me faster than it already is likely to.
But it doesn't change my feeling of immense guilt.
He doesnt understand what the problems are, and since I dont think he is able to change, I dont see what the benefit is of telling him.
I still love him deeply as I do a sibling or a very close friend. I dont want to hurt him. Doing so now with my decision is leaving me distraught.
I havent even told him I want a divorce. I'm still in EU and he's back in the States. When I broach the topic of coming back and having a very necessary talk he says only if its good news.
So... what??? I end a 17 yr relationship on the phone? He wont even do zoom if he says its only bad news. I cannot reconcile the idea of ending what is almost half my life with a Whatsapp call. Even if doing so would make it really much safer for me (I'm not sure how he will take it- he has become volatile in the past. He also has controlled me financially for years since everything is joint and he allows me minimal access so he could cancel my cards and then I couldn't even get a Uber.) Plus travel during covid with a weak immune system is dodgy at best.
I'm in the dark, drowning in guilt for hurting him and all I know is I feel a burning sense to try and do this right. Treat him with dignity and respect by talking this out face to face.
Just dont know how to handle this...