Quote:
Originally Posted by Waterbear
Thanks Lonesome. I think you are absolutely right. I do need to grieve. I feel Ike I have been grieving, but how long does it go on for? How long do I have to go through this for? Ex T was the first person I ever truly loved. She has been the most important person in my life and the feelings I have for her run so deep that it feels like a part of her actually lives within me. Except right now that part of me is just empty. Because she hasn't died, I have no resolution here. It feels like she is just missing, but yet I know she is out there. I can't grieve properly for that. I'm not sure I will ever be able to grieve properly for that, not while I know she is still physically alive and out there.
For me, it feels like I am being made to go cold turkey from a drug that made me feel SO good. Being asked to just give up on the relationship that provided the basis for so much positive change.
I certainly have considered working with Temp T for a bit longer, but I am concerned that I will only end up in the position that I was in last time. That I will find myself attached to someone who then isn't right for my Teenage One.
I have decided to try and do it the other way around. To try and sit down with Potential New T and really see if we can get her to provide what I need in the here and now, with the knowledge and belief that she will help me to taper down from that when the time is right, and that in doing so we would be, at the same time, building the basis for the relationship that I need going forwards with my Teenage One.
I plan on trying to have this conversation with her next week. I'll let you know how I get on! If it isn't a success, then going back to Temp T is my safety net.
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This resonates with my own experience a lot. I do NOT miss the actual relationship I had with X, but I was severely attached to her nevertheless. And apparently still am after ... however long ago the first COVID lockdowns started, because not long ago after a conversation about her I still ended up in this helpless, abandoned little child mode for a day or two. Mind you, a year ago that'd have been several days or even weeks, so it does get better, but it's a great deal slower and more circuitous that it feels like it has any right to be.
I can definitely relate to the difficulty grieving her. I know perfectly well she's still out there, so why not just reach out and try to fix things? Also, what do I grieve for, exactly? How much of it was real? How much of it was genuine? But I think a lot of this is done unconsciously, just like the attachment thing happened mostly unconsciously, so I guess I just have to trust the parts that are missing her to do their grieving as they need and try not to let the parts that 'told them not to trust her' give them a hard time.
I started with T not long after terminating with X. A good few months were spent mostly on X. For several months more she still was 'present' in our sessions. It took nearly a year before I started to feel that maybe T can eventually fulfill enough of the hopes I had for X that I could maybe start letting her go (gosh this sounds so silly), and I still haven't, not really. Thankfully, T is still ok with me bringing up X again and again. Even so, the balance between X stuff and working on ... what I was supposed to be working on with X has shifted considerably.
I guess to me the idea that you'd rather work with someone different makes sense. As long as she can help you with both the ex-T stuff and your Teenage One. But then our situation is very different, so I also understand that it's a dilemma for you ... actually, I was kind of tempted too, to try to find someone who feels similar and hope that I can make it work at get that elusive 'promise' fulfilled, but that would have been very obviously a bad idea for me. Instead, I went to find someone who felt like the people I can function better around. I think if anything, it helps the grieving process. Actually, your reluctance about Temp T might partially be an aspect of the grieving process as well, perhaps you're not ready to get more-or-less the same thing from someone else just yet?
Sorry if that doesn't make sense, feels like I'm rambling, but I might as well post it just in case it helps.