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SprinkL3
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Member Since: Oct 2021
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Heart Nov 03, 2021 at 04:38 PM
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by RoxanneToto View Post
I think it’s refreshing that you have a “this is who I am” approach and ask that others respect that, rather than trying to be rigid about putting yourself in a box. Human sexuality/romantic attraction and relationships in general are complex, trauma or no, even though some people might try and convince us otherwise.
For what it’s worth, while I’m not an ACE (but am a trauma survivor) I have still suffered micro aggressions because I have a low sex drive, and I’m very rarely seen hanging out with people who aren’t other women - I am straight, just not that interested! I think the micro aggressions come from others feeling like they’re entitled to other people’s bodies in case they want sex - the base message I hear (and I’m not sure if you feel similarly?) is while I’m not obsessed with getting laid, if they want it I should be ‘available’ regardless of my own feelings. It confuses and offends them that I’d rather not participate.
Thank you soooooo much, Roxanne Toto! I relate to EVERYTHING you just said! I'm a child sexual abuse survivor and a military sexual trauma (MST) survivor. My body was not my own, ever since I could recall bits and pieces of trauma spanning from when I was still in diapers at the age of 3. I won't go into any further details here, as then I would probably need a trigger warning. But I will say that I agree with your statement, "...while I’m not obsessed with getting laid, if they want it I should be ‘available’ regardless of my own feelings. It confuses and offends them that I’d rather not participate."

I feel that part of my adolescent abuses comprised me having to be "okay" with sexuality, in particular, heterosexuality. I felt confused. Ever since I was young, I really didn't develop much desire for sexual intimacy. I felt like it was a painful obligation that women endured, after having witnessed my own mother get harmed by my dad many times. I learned later that all of this was wrong, and forms of both trauma and criminal victimization (only, without it being substantiated in a court of law or even by law enforcement). There were no protections for me, and my voice was never heard - in terms of any "no" I could have said (it was prohibited to go against authority, especially male authority) and in terms of me wanting comfort for my pain. My body responded very differently than the average norm. I literally failed sex education in Jr. High because their norms didn't match up with my reality, and I could never answer the questions correctly. My being "attracted" to others meant "bosom buddies" or the kind of closeness that friendships have. If I wanted or desired a "romantic relationship" some day, I thought more about the intellectual stimulation than I did the physical. I also thought more about protection and true partnership than I did about "getting laid."

I've experimented over the years, and I've cried during my attempts to have sex in different relationships - a few with some men and once with a woman. I felt triggered, grossed out, sad, scared, and just not attracted that way. In fact, the mere act of sex with all of my exes had killed whatever intellectual attraction I had with them initially. My ex-boyfriend remains confused because an alternate personality took over after I had cried during sex, and the alter then finished it off. We broke it off with the ex and we remained friends. The ex was also bisexual and polygamous, so that was also too risky. We appreciated his candor, but we asked him to appreciate our need to remain asexual. He understood. He's one of the few exes we trust.

The female we had experimented at one point had some serious issues. She blamed us for her phone bill being high, she stalked us via phone and in real life, and she got vindictive when we broke it off with her. There was a lot going on with me at that time, and I was also homeless. I was initially attracted to her intellect, too, just like I was to a best friend when I was 13 years old, but that attraction didn't include sex to me. Sure, I'd have strange feelings in my body, but sex itself repulsed me. I think if there were no male or female organs involved, and no sex in the conventional way, then perhaps I might be "intimate." But I'd rather be intellectually stimulated than physically. It's strange. That's the sapiosexual in me. And my being attracted to anyone - including a transgender person's intellect at some point, meant that I was also pansexual (not bisexual). And the "sexual" part in those terms also sickened me, because it didn't meant that I wanted physical sex based on unconventional attraction. My attraction itself is purely asexual, because the intent and desire don't include physical sex.

I think hand-holding or hugging are okay, but kissing depends - sometimes I'm grossed out by it or just not responsive, other times it's nice and sweet.

In bed, however, I tend to sometimes have violent nightmares, so I prefer to sleep alone. I also felt smothered whenever I tried to cuddle. It just didn't work for me.

That expressed, even though I don't know if I was "born" with this, or if all of this stems from my childhood maltreatment. But what I do know is that (a) advances in science have also shown that what the birthmother does affects the child before birth - prenatal, so that could influence our behaviors when we were born, and (b) it shouldn't matter if our sexuality stems from so-called birth (or natural means) versus disability (such as being a forced eunuch) versus childhood trauma-turned-disability (such as being a victim of sexual abuse). If our sexuality is what we make out of it, and how we personally self-identify, and how we have the freedom to choose yes or no to sex (without it being harassed, coerced, and rape), then we should be accepted into groups.

This division between "I'm a natural born" versus "you're just disability-changed" or "you're just celibate instead of asexual, like religious people" is ignorant of the needs for inclusivity, freedom, self-expression, and personal choice - all of which the so-called "natural born" LGBTQ+ community fight for to begin with - inclusivity, freedom, self-expression, and personal choice. So, regardless of the genesis of our sexuality, we should be included and supported in such groups.

Conversely, segregating "natural borns" from "unnatural borns" is tantamount to how multiracial persons are segregated from "pure bloods" (those without so-called mixed races in their heritage), or how skin color separates white-passing/white-adjacent non-whites from persons of color (also now known as the controversial BIPOC community, where Black is set apart from Indigenous, and both Black and Indigenous are set apart from POC - person of color, which may or may not include Asians, Jewish persons, Arabs, Afghans, etc.). It's all divisive. It does nothing to work toward inclusivity.

I could go on and on, but we're either inclusive or we're not. We either have full inclusivity, or we're only inclusive with strings attached, which is like saying we're only "part-racist" or "part-prejudiced." Whatever we call it, the behavior and motives for segregating remain, which harms those who get excluded.

I just want to be included and accepted and belonged - which is a basic human need for mere survival, if not also self-actualization and transcendence, according to Maslow.
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