I'm not dealing well with this pandemic at all. By isolating in place for over 19 months, my physical and mental health have deteriorated. So I exchanged one risk for another, though both risks amount to possible premature death - either a rapid death from traumatic Covid, or a long-term death from traumatic insulin impairments, mobility problems, organ failures, and more. Either way, it's like choosing how fast I want to die.

I really want to socialize. I miss that.

I really want to travel. I miss that.

I really want to be accepted as a non-white Asian person. I miss being accepted and not being such a bold target these days. Perhaps that's my privilege being juxtaposed between pre-pandemic to pandemic times, but I felt safer as an Asian person before this pandemic. I isolate because of this mostly, but also because I don't want to catch or spread Covid.

I miss seeing the dentist. (I will risk it all to see the dentist in 2022 though. I have periodontal disease, and it's been 2 years since my last appointment. I can't afford to let that go. I honestly thought the pandemic would be over by now. I'm pissed that it's not.)

I fear dying a traumatic death. I'd rather have assisted suicide with all the comforts of being euthanized, including all the pain killers. I'd have to move to a different state for that though. The VA would never approve. They'd traumatize me more if it meant more data for their research and "national security." Whatever, I've learned as an abused child that my body was never mine. It still isn't. This pandemic made it even that much more a reality.