Ex T, I really should have waited until after my birthday to have seen you. How can I go see family tomorrow pretending everything is ok. I can't stomach my food at all right now, and yet we are going out for dinner. All I can hope and pray for is that you reply favourably to my email, and that some of this nausea and real umsettledness can be calmed. I don't know if that is possible of not, but it feels essential. Trying to think how else I can get these emotions out... God, I'm really not used to feeling like this. Take me back to the good old days of not feeling, please! But yeah, I wish I had waited. I wish I had waited forever, in a way, because then there always would be that meeting to 'look forward to'. Now there is just uncertainty and grief and more confusion I guess. I am sure it will pass, in time. It always passes in time.

I'm just not sure I NEED to be feeling this level of grief, K. Not unless what we had wasn't real. Not unless you really don't have those feelings for me. If it was real, and if it was there then why cant we keep it alive. That's what is in my best interests. And that's the whole point of this, isn't it. I know you don't have to. You have no obligation to. You have technically done your duty now, but.... But.... I STILL NEED YOU!!

Not to do this work with (that's why I am annoyed you brought up Teenage One so much). But just to still BE in my life, in some tiny, limited, distant, supportive way. I guess. Like Old T was throughout our time together.

Oh my dear K, what would happen if I still wasn't over this in a year's time and I reached out to you? You said you are tired... Now. You said that life was taking its toll... Now. But we know things change.

Won't you come back then and give me the proper tapering that this work should have had??