</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
RomanSunburn said:
Hey everyone,
I'm pretty new to the forum, but I've been reading posts for a few months now. I've been in therapy on and off for probably about 4 years now, but never been with a therapist for very long. I was curious how long everyone has been with their current therapist (or favorite..?) and how long it took them to feel like they could really open up. I have a lot of problems with judgement, which is a little silly since I'm paying them to not judge me and just help me. Does anyone ever feel like they're not really sick and they're just wasting everyone's time? Thanks for any comments!
Ro
</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Hey Roman--
I really do understand the opening up bit. I DO like my therapist, and I've seen him for about 18 months. I've never seen a therapist before other than years ago for a short time, and I despised all of them, so it didn't last long as I had more important things to do than waste my time. I have problems with opening up, and asked long-time therapy goers how they do it. I never had one satisfactory answer. I decided it has to do with how relaxed I am. I am tense almost all of the time to varying degrees. I go off topic, and I talk about things that are not really the problems I should be discussing, that are on my mind outside of therapy. Part of it is I have ADHD and do not focus very well, especially with the anxiety.The other part is almost like avoidance because the feelings about what is really on my mind are disturbing to me. I take 90 minute sessions most of the time, because I used to have so much anxiety that I'd be wrapped up like a tense ball of fire and also extremely agitated. The agitation has subsided quite a bit, and the anxiety lessened to a degree, but I try to make 90 minute appointments now every time until I make some progress, because it takes me about 25 minutes into the session to even scrape the surface of the heart and core of my symptoms. I do whatever I can to try to relax myself every day, and especially on the day I have therapy. Sometimes distraction works, sometimes not. Sometimes laughing at funny movies or YouTube videos; sometimes reading about a subject I enjoy. I think you'll find that you have good days and then you will have not-so-good days, where your a bit off center and clam up.
I don't worry very much about being judged by my therapist. I figure that no one has the right to judge me. If a therapist was going to be judgmental about something I would ever say in therapy, I'd probably laugh at the T's stupidity and walk out. I think my T is a really good T, and I think liking your T's personality and their professionalism are very important. Being professional would mean NOT JUDGMENTAL. Judgments of the nature your speaking of have no place in any patient/provider relationship. You should also be aware that you are not paying them out of pity to have someone be non-judgmental toward you. You are paying them for their learned and esteemed professional ability to treat your symptoms. You are not a charity case; you are seeking professional help, just like someone with a heart disorder would see a cardiologist.
I suspect that you are only spending a short time with any one T at any given time because you quit therapy when it has only really began (which for anxious, nervous folks like myself can take longer than others) because you are afraid that T won't like you, and you will be judged, so you split. I'm just guessing, but I know people with severe social anxiety disorder who have similar really intense feelings that if people really knew them, they would think they wouldn't like them because they are unlikeable. I think it's somewhat related to a very negative schema involving low self esteem.
Give this T the benefit of the doubt. Stay with them awhile, and tell your T that what you just told us. See how he responds to that. It will probably be a good idea.
Best of luck Roman