This is going to be an odd posting, but I miss being able to drink alcohol the "normal" way.

My chronic fatigue flares up too much for me to enjoy alcohol anymore. I can maybe enjoy one or two drinks, but then I know I will be fatigued for one to two days.

I had Fireball whiskey on the shelf since last year. I thought I would be able to celebrate my birthday online with some people I knew from the state I used to live in, but no one was available. I thought that maybe we could drink together online, with me drinking in moderation from time to time. That never happened.

When I tried to sip on a shot of that a couple of months back, to celebrate my birthday by myself, it tasted nasty. The bottle was already opened from last year, but I put the cap back on immediately after use. I don't understand why it would turn sour, but it did. It just didn't have the same taste. I was also sick from just that sip.

I could probably do better with wine, which I haven't opened. I purchased those this year, so I'm assuming that they are good for many years - not just one. I got a sampler mix, just in case I could find a group to celebrate with on Zoom on occasion. If worst comes to worse, I can always donate the wine.

My issue with throwing away the Fireball (and likely throwing away the summertime Jose Cuervo - which is also nearly full), apart from the money it cost, is that my sadness stems from growing older and more disabled. I can't enjoy the things I used to, and that upsets me deeply.

I know this isn't an addiction thing, but it feels more like a loss of some social thing I used to be able to do. If that makes any sense. As it is, I have to give up certain foods, and I've given up many other things in life already, like work and grad school. This is not how I saw my life at all. I figured that I could at least enjoy periodic alcoholic drinks, just to fit in somewhere with my able-bodied friends from afar. I can't. I can't keep up physically with anyone - when they go hiking or even walking. And I certainly can't keep up with my drinking.

There's this social loss that comes with disabilities, and this is one of them. I felt really sad throwing away the liquor that I've barely touched. The bottles were as lonely as I was on the shelf that collected dust for over a year. Their insides turned sour, and they were no fun anymore. I feel like that was the epitome of my life.