Well this is a turn around. Not doing great at 3:20AM. Yesterday and today has led me into a very uneasy place emotionally. I really don't know what is precipitating all of this, beyond just my obsession with my health lately but my instinct to not leave the house or deal with people is very strong. An old friend reached out two days ago and I regret sending a text yesterday (it wasn't anything wrong, but I feel I shouldn't have sent it. It also may be interpreted the wrong way. I didn't hear back). I kinda regret ever answering the phone call when he called. I want to go back to just being alone. This particular friend has a habit of disappearing from my life every few years and randomly finding his way back. He last left because I was suffering and he didn't want to deal with me, which he more or less admitted. It's more my fault I guess. I shouldn't expect others to harbor my negativity. Honestly I've had way too much interactions in the last few months, the majority being awful.

Beyond that, I am having serious discussions with myself if I am really "sick". Not the physical stuff -- I'm only concerned because they leaving me impressions something is wrong. I'm probably misinterpreting the caution. I'm always misinterpreting a lot I think, another reason to stay away from people. I am questioning whether my mental illness is real. I think I'm just a weak person who is wasting their time getting help. No one has said anything to make me feel this way, but I feel my interactions have lead me to this thought process. I don't trust my own judgement, therefore I guess I second guess the core things I know-- like there is something "wrong" with me.


I really just want to stop all treatments and go back to bed. I brought this on myself I guess, by obsessing. I don't know what to do.