Hello all,

I am not even sure what I am doing here or why I am posting. First post…

Back in early September, my wife of 21yrs of marriage (27 total) total me that she wanted a separation and needed to leave the house for her mother’s. We have been together and known each other since we were teenagers. I was devastated at hearing this news… I even threw up…

I knew we were a little more distant than normal, but I thought that was the period of time, good and the bad, the up and the down… But she went on to tell me that I did not prioritize her as a wife… that she felt lonely, that she felt we were roommates instead of a married couple. That we lack emotional intimacy and it was time she needed “time and space”. I talked to her and asked if there was anything we could do to work on us, or go see a marriage counselor… She became angry and said “now you want to go to therapy?” I said I am willing to do whatever it takes to save our marriage.

Needless to say, she left the house that day… It was a Saturday… and on Wednesday, she was filing for divorce.

We met as teenagers and I was struck by lightning when I first saw her. We became friends and then started dating. She was the end all be all for me. We got married in 2000 and by 2003, welcomed our son to the family. In 2006, we had a daughter and in 2008, another daughter.

I guess I consider myself the fixer of all things… whatever she wanted, I got for her. We were both very much in love. She wanted a car, we got a car. I kept the house up, kept the cars running… I did everything around us so she did not have to… and perhaps that was my fault.

We got her set up after kids with breast implants (2010ish), then completed the mommy makeover for her stomach. She had a partial hysterectomy, gallbladder surgery… Breast implants 11 years later to replace the old.

All the while I took care of her… I guess I did it well because she always wanted out of the hospital and to go home earlier so I could take care of her. In 2017, while at work, she was involved in a car accident that messed up her neck. She needed a cervical fusion to fix what was wrong. Her neck is still not right but no one will touch her. She apparently needs a large surgery for her neck next, something that involves a cage. I cared for her for 2-3 months after that surgery waking up in the middle of the night early to prepare her pain meds, get a glass of water, pudding and/or granola bar. Wake her up, give her the meds and have her go back to bed. I would log the meds and calculate the next time I needed to be up and set my alarm. I slept on the couch next to her. Tough sleeping then… but I had the easy part, she was in pain.

She had a hip issue relating to the accident that we did not figure out until 2020. The labrum was torn almost all the way around. She developed drop foot, nerve pain down the leg… But we got that fixed up for her but she was bed ridden for 2 months… I helped her crutch over to the bathroom and back… up and down the stairs to the Dr appts… I stayed in bed with her for 2 months working beside her on my laptop. I did not want her to feel alone. And if she needed anything, I was there to go get it. We ordered dinner to have it dropped off at the door and then the 3 kids would bring it up and we would eat as a family in our master bedroom.

Recalling one surgery in the past, she developed a heart issue coming out of the operating room where her heart was racing. Nurses could not bring it down and were freaking out. She demanded that they get her husband (me)… finally they did. I walked in the back to find me, held her hand, kissed her on the forehead and told her “I am here…” Within 2-3 minutes, her heart rate came down to a normal level and the nurses did not know what to say.

I fear that the 2017 accident impacted her mentally where she may have felt broken. Neck being problems… hip… she used to spin cycle, we would go walking/jogging, she would do yoga… She is 5’3 and usually 125-130lbs. She was solid and athletic. But after the accident, she could no longer spin cycle, walking was a chore until fixed or even working out. She no longer works out to this day.

Today, still 5’3 but barely pushing 110 lbs. She is frail looking in the legs and arms… Her stomach and chest look great. I tried my best to find supplements to add calories so she could gain weight. She did not eat much… Looking back, I wonder if she was unhappy with her life?

She tends to be a vane person, looks were always important for herself and how she saw herself. My support group feels that she is unhappy with herself, that her face is aging (42yo) and that she may feel broken because of her neck and hip. When I saw her a few days ago for kid drop off, she wore baggy pants and a skin tight bodysuit top with make up on. They say she is covering up her legs and butt area but letting the top half shine given the work. So this may show she is trying to show her what she thinks is her best assets. I know she is self conscious about her face.

So we are two months into this separation/divorce… I want reconciliation and she continues to decline. She has called me a narcissist, manipulating, controlling husband and I am abusive in our relationship. I am heart broken.

Search of phone records turns up a phone number that shows she talked to someone for 44 hours over 2 months and 100s of text messages. I confronted about this guy, who she used to work with 5-6 years ago and he was just a “friend” in need of help with a live in girlfriend. Ok…

What, do you think I am whoring around now? Is that what you think I have become? I have way too much respect for you. I could never do that to you. I believed her.

During the first 4 weeks of separation, when we spoke on the phone, it would escalate into her yelling at me over the relationship, everything was my fault… I did not validate her feelings or make her feel heard… I never made her a priority… finances are all my fault… So I had to write an email to her saying that we need to establish boundaries here and maybe writing emails is the best approach now. I no longer wish to be her punching bag on the phone for things she was aware of while she participated in during our relationship. She had no idea how to respond…

She even brought her (our?) Acura sedan over to inquire about things that need to be fixed on it… another tight bodysuit and daisy duke shorts. Seems odd or overkill for kid dropoff. I topped her oil off and told her I do not feel comfortable working on the car (boundaries) given the circumstances. She looked at me like I “cannot believe you aren’t going to work on car.” Thought it was odd at the time but, again, now I know why. I am glad I did that now, I would’ve felt like a fool if I did fix everything.

I was under the guise or hope that she was coming over to reel me back in or gauge my interest in her still after the boundary email? Or was it to manipulate me into working on her car?

By the middle of October, I had a photo of her car parked in the carport of this guys house spending the night. And the following weekend, she spent Friday night again… So I guess I have my answer… the emotional affair has turned physical now and I now know which direction she is going.

6 weeks…

I have been in therapy for nearly 2 months now trying to grow, change, self reflect and learn how my behavior can impact others that I have relationships with… the idea was to self improve and maybe get my wife back.

While I think she was unhappy… it bothers me that she left me in limbo during the separation until I found out my answer. She would say things like, “If we got back together, how would it be different?” or “I cant go back to the way it was…” Even the therapist was optimistic… she never provided me with EXPLICIT and CRYSTAL CLEAR language that she is NEVER coming back. I guess you find this in divorces more? The one spouse is crystal clear so that the other spouse can accept it, move on and speed up the legal process?

I never received that… so I kept fighting thinking I had hope…

She wrote me an email telling me that our two teenage daughters find Sunday kid exchange deeply stressful and chaotic. And as parents, we need to make sure we keep those levels to a minimum. So she thinks we should change kid drop off to Mondays now. Mondays are a school day, a work day for me… This smells like she wants her weekends off so that she can go run off with her new pookie. I wrote back and said I disagree. The kids are fun and it is only Sunday. We need to exchange the kids that day so we are not chasing around during the school/work week. I made the email entirely about the kids. Instead of her version which really seems like she was trying to manufacture a crisis so she can move the exchange to Mondays and have the entire weekend to herself.

Now, I have to accept that this is over. I am mourning the loss of the relationship dearly. I am mourning what I perceive to be my wife and best friend changing into something I do not recognize.

Feedback I have received from friends and family is that this seems to be some sort of midlife crisis? I have researched that and it seems to come close to fitting. She had a rough childhood with parents divorcing, Dad leaving the family when she was 5, mom has a mental illness and would kick her out of the house or send her to live with grandparents because mom was unable to care for her. So there appears to be childhood trauma there that could be impacting her relationship.

I’ve also heard this could be what is affecting her low self esteem? Low self esteem from childhood can impact her ability to love herself from the inside? From what I have read, it is not my job to fill that void for her, that is something she needed to fill on her own. So failure was WHEN it happened, not IF. This may explain why she says I never paid attention to her or the emotional neglect that I showed her.

So that is my story… I am sad… I am devastated… I lost my girl, my family is fractured and now I have to start a new life that includes finding myself as a single parent. I do not know what that looks like as I have been apart of a team for the past 27 years.

Thanks for reading.