I'm so sorry you struggled with an abusive, toxic relationship.
Experiencing such betrayal trauma is one of the toughest interpersonal traumas to heal from. I don't think we ever "get over" it, so much as we learn from those times and move forward - with all the losses being put behind us.
Grieving properly is one way to help you move forward!
- You're angry, so that's a good sign that you made the right decision to leave, and you're acknowledging how upset you are by what he did over the years you were with him. It's okay to be angry. But you should be able to process that with a counselor or at least with *validating* friends, such as those who will agree with the fact that the man was a crepe, that you deserve better, and that you should not care what he's doing at all today since he sucks and is not worth your time at all.
- You can make a list of all the things he's done to you, and then you and trusted loved ones can burn that list in a campfire, bonfire, or some safe place like a fireplace, perhaps. It's a closing ritual for when you are ready, but you should have some close support with you - or at least a therapist to help you do such things.
- You can also make a list of all the losses you've encountered. The loss of time, the loss of other relationships, the loss of your youth spent on that jerk, the loss of health, the loss of your happiness when you had more youth and energy, the loss of love, the loss of many other things - perhaps like money, too. Perhaps you also lost your figure because of all the times you spent waiting on him, or something of that nature. There are many losses. You might be tempted to feel guilty or ashamed, but don't. That's not what the losses list is for. It's for validating how this horrible person affected you and hurt you.
- Then, you can take that list of losses and see how you can rebuild yourself from ground zero. If you lost youth, you can create a new list to cross that loss off by saying that you will explore fun things with your friends, with your family, or even alone. If you lost money, you can create a new list to cross that loss off by saying that you will save money for you and only you, and you will spend some of the money you now have to yourself on things that will make you feel better, like nail polish or something of that nature. Once you've created your news lists, you can either do a similar ritual as above - with the burning of the losses - or you can simply shred those losses and consider that a ritual to put those losses behind you while you move forward with your new positive lists.
- You may still find yourself grieving, bargaining (through reminiscing about the so-called "good times" with that ex), going back to anger when triggered by some memory of your ex, going back to denial when making excuses for your ex or blaming yourself for staying too long in that relationship or feeling guilty for whatever reason. Those feelings are natural, but they are still feelings that need to be dealt with. A grief counselor can help, a psychotherapist can help, a support group for divorced or separated or broken relationships might also be able to help you move through such thoughts and grief. But whatever feelings and thoughts you do have, don't cave and return to that ex. Whatever you do, have no contact (NC) with your ex! Don't follow anything he does online or in person. Don't befriend his friends. Don't talk with his family. Just NC period! Find a new set of friends. Find a new support group. Accept what is through also accepting your feelings and why they are there. Make a journal about all these feelings, in addition to the steps above. You may need to revisit the steps above if your grief is prolonged or "complicated." That's okay if it winds up being of the "complex grief" type. You spent a lot of years suffering, so your healing won't come quick. But you can take action to help alleviate your pain, even as painful as that is.
- The grief steps are not linear, so you might experience different stages of grief repeatedly and in combination with other stages of grief. Grief work takes time for any trauma - especially betrayal traumas. This is also why those with CPTSD from either childhood trauma or prolonged domestic violence trauma in adulthood affects us for the rest of our lives. We have to process the trauma and the grief that comes along with - many times over. We revisit it over and over again, because it's that painful and permeating. But it gets easier over time. The longer you're in therapy and receiving support, the longer you learn to cope with these things, and the easier it gets to cope. The pain will lessen, the triggers will always be there, but you will have more and more friends, more and more supports, and more and more resources to help you.
- One day, when you're ready, you can start dating again - or at least making close friends.