I read through your entire thread here. I'm so sorry you have been struggling for so long!

Your mother sounds mean.

I hope your sister is recovering well from ovarian cancer, but I hope she treats you better.

I'm sorry that your family does not treat you in the loving way that you deserve. I have family similar to yours, only, my sister flat out told me to remain estranged from her and to never speak with her again. Half my family ignore me, and the other half "tolerate" me, it seems. So, if I'm not wanted, I won't call - at least not as often. I only stay connected with my mom because I care about her well-being, but she can be insensitive (not really mean though).

I'm alone every holiday - ever since I was 21 years old. I'm alone with every major medical emergency - no close friends in the area now, but I did have semi-close friends where I used to live (in a different state) before. The problem is, that area was too dangerous.

I sense you struggle with loneliness, by the way you write. You're a great writer, by the way. Also, from what it sounds like, you enjoy making music. I'm currently seeking music therapy to help me with some things. There are actual degrees and programs in music therapy, if you're ever interested in that sort of thing.

If you have cool light-up shoes, that's awesome! I've heard of people using 409 to clean and disinfect their shoes on the outside. As long as it's not saturating the lights, you should be able to use a dampened paper towel with a disinfectant to clean and disinfect your shoes. For the insides, there's special sprays like Tide Disinfecting Fabric Spray or even Lysol spray or Clorox fabric disinfecting spray you could use.

I'm sorry that you've been struggling with so many emotions - some of which seem to keep you down and away from the tasks that seem to keep you happy. Perhaps if you find more enjoyable things and online group hobbies via Zoom (which makes all the difference), then you can still connect safely with others without worrying about Covid. And also, any hobbies you do can at least temporarily distract you from the bad days you've been having with your family and others. Rebuilding social networks over time will help you in the long run, even if you struggle with trusting others. It may not seem like fun in the beginning, such as when everyone gets nervous about what other thinks of them when they join a new group online or in person, but over time, it gets easier. You'll know which groups are for you, which groups aren't for you (for any reason, it doesn't have to be a personal one), and which groups are just not "safe." I've tried out a few and learned a few things about myself along the way. Not every negative encounter is reflective of who you are; many times, it's a reflection of things that don't fit well with us or a reflection of someone else's problems. It's okay to walk away from those situations.

I'm also sorry you are dealing with so many med changes. I once had to deal with that, until I had a proper diagnosis and was weaned off all of the medications. For some, that works. But for others, that doesn't. It sounds like you need medications to help you cope with your symptoms. I hope you are able to find the right formulation.

Also, my friend who was constantly depressed like you had family like yours. It took lots of therapy and some help through her grad program to realize that her family was holding her back from her dreams, goals, and healing. When she was ready - and not a day before - she finally planned to leave them. It took a while, but she did it. She moved across country in a moving truck with her vehicle strapped behind and went to a different state - far away from her family. She found a new therapist, and her DID (she has CPTSD, DID, among other things) got better managed. She still struggles, but she's not struggling nearly as much as she did when I knew her. I knew her in real life, so it was easy for me to speak with her online than not knowing people in real life. But I say all this to suggest that maybe, one day, you will be able to set more stringent boundaries with your family and/or leave them altogether. It's hard to let go when you hope something will change, but family rarely does (unless they are all in therapy). It's just a suggestion. You can toss it if it doesn't really apply to you, or if you feel it is too much too soon.

I'm sorry for the lengthy post, but I wanted to reply to you after reading all of your posts in this thread. I've seen you on other threads, and then I decided to read your thread here. It breaks my hear to see you hurting so much!