Does anyone else find themselves sometimes, crying over the life they never were able to live? All the big dreams were smashed because of disability and illness. You never got to do all the things you wanted to do. And sometimes you sit there thinking about it. You see posts to "Dream big!" But you have limitations because of your body and mental illnesses. And you're like...I think dreaming big is for other people, and I wish them happiness.

I just wish that could be me too.

I'm happy to be alive, I'm thankful for all that I have. I am lucky to have survived the things I did. But sometimes everything I lost and wasn't able to do still hurts inside of me. And I am not certain that grief will ever heal. I don't know how much I can do in this life. I try things but they always fall apart. I am told I am a capable person but I don't see it. People always say everyone has their time. I've been waiting for decades. When is my time? My time on earth is limited too. I don't know whether to keep trying or just give up and accept my life and who I am is what it is. And no matter how hard I try, or work on myself, or improve, this never changes. I don't know why. Why am I like this and why does it have to be this way? Why? Why can't I just have a normal life?