Thanks, @bizi!

Have you ever been so down, mood-wise, that it's even difficult to think straight enough to answer a question about one's woes? I guess that's where I am. I'm just so frustrated, impatient, feeling mentally and physically "undernourished", though the physical end isn't food-related. I just wish a simple thing as finally getting our car would happen already. I'm not a car fanatic. It's not because of some need for transportation. It's more symbolic than that. I'm just feeling way too out of my element for too long. Like a lost sheep. Something even like the car sent from the US would feel like a kind of "home". The house we live in now is not our real home. The car we bought here, is not my car. I'm hoping that the car "more from home" is better able to lead me where I need to go, literally and symbolically.

Tomorrow I have therapy. I don't want to go, but know that if I don't seek therapy things will be worse.

A number of years back, I wrote about a need for a "home" beyond just a house. I felt that, at times, even when living in New Jersey. I definitely feel it now. The lament referred a lot to being at a job that was killing me, though even when the job was gone, I still sometimes struggled to find the relief I was looking for. It went:

I just want to go home, but I'm already home

I remember being at work, or somewhere else, and thinking over and over again that “I just want to go home. I just want to go home.” The hours seemed like days. I’d watch the clock, and it would seem to have stopped. Two minutes before I was officially to be set free, I’d run around the corner and make an escape. I knew that those last two minutes would just kill me, so I had to make the run for it while I could still breathe.

There eventually came a time when I stumbled on that run home, and found myself in a full body cast. Then the only place I could even be is confined at home, in my bed. Years passed in that cast and I again began to feel trapped. Out of old habit I’d repeat silently to myself that “I just want to go home. I just want to go home.” But...I was home. Where must I go? How do I find "IT"?