I understand how debilitating depression can be because I've been through some very severe episodes.

But. I am high functioning. I have a job now. I shower every day. I keep my room and space clean. I do housework and brush my teeth and floss. I eat meals. I exercise. I function well. I am very good about self-care and taking meds.

However, I am still not particularly happy. It feels like I'm stuck, stagnant and things never move forward. I practice gratitude and write a gratitude list, there is a lot I am thankful for. But I am still stuck. I sometimes wonder if this is all life will ever be. I can do all the practices and work and self work and go through the motions but feel little heart or soul in it. Isn't life supposed to be happy and fulfilling? I do my best to make changes but nothing works. I make big significant changes and think, maybe now! Things will get better. Nope. Nothing.

I don't know anymore. I feel like I'm just existing, drifting, floating without a purpose or any meaning in my life. I try to find meaning. I really, really do. I try so hard. But I can't find anything that lights my soul on fire and makes me feel good about life. Maybe I don't know what I really want. I'll be honest, I don't. What would make me happy? No idea. What I think will make me happy doesn't make me happy. I do all the things they suggest to depressed people. I do what I love. I exercise. I meditate. I have a spirituality. I practice kindness, compassion and do good. I practice gratitude. I create! I read books. I do affirmations. I learn. I spend time in nature. So I don't know. I don't know. Why is it I still feel this way if I am doing all this work to not feel this way? Is there something wrong with me? I look and see how I am doing everything right and all the right things. Why doesn't it ever change?

Does anyone else have this experience?