Like usual, I'll be spending the holidays alone. There's nothing new there - regardless of the pandemic status.

Last year, however, I had my hopes up high because I thought that the pandemic would bring my family and I closer, that I'd be able to Zoom more or at least talk more with them, that I'd feel belonged and included. The opposite happened. There were natural political divisions, and some of my family members have become completely estranged from me. I have always stayed away from toxic family. So I felt even more lonely last year than I have in my entire life, because they didn't care if I lived or died, and they still don't. I do worry about my mother, but that is it.

Last year, I donated, but this year I can't afford to. It's unclear if the debt ceiling debates will affect those on disability. So I can't risk donating when I don't know if I'll have an income in January. So that's out of the question. Instead, I've paid off my Target card completely, in case I need to use it for essentials, should I not get a check. My landlord has already agreed not to charge me late fees if I don't get a check for a while, due to any government shutdowns - should they occur in the future. So, at least I'll only have to worry about negotiating with my utility companies, cell phone company, and internet service provider. Delaying these debates only makes the worry among our group increase, and it does not help when we have little disposable income to utilize for savings.

So this year I'm home alone for the holidays - yet again. I'm not going to raise my hopes up high for Zoom, as I've begged for 19 months for Zoom meetings, and no one has yet to do that with me. Not one family member, and definitely not my friends who don't have the abilities to do so. I'm limited. My new friends are too new for me to impose, and they have their own families.

Also, even if I were invited, we have crisis standards of care in our state, and there are too many antivaxxers and antimaskers in our state that keep the case counts relatively high for our relatively small state. The test positivity remains high as well. There's no way I'm exposing myself and any others I might have contact with indirectly and directly (such as at the VA for my appointments or with my neighbors in passing), so I remain socially isolated and socially distanced for superspreading events, such as common American holidays. So far, I've been fortunate to not have contracted community spread, but that's because I'm always masked and very restrictive when it comes to my boundaries for safety. I'm immunocompromised, so I cannot afford this. I also have a daughter (now an adult) to consider, so I don't want to die before we got a chance to reconnect (she was adopted, so I'm the birth mother).

I will most likely spend my holidays online, though I need to self-care by avoiding triggers that make me feel stigmatized, judged, ostracized, segregated, politically castrated, and more. I don't need those added stressors on top of the stressors I already face as a multiracial Asian American, as a disabled middled-aged veteran, as a person who adheres to vaccination rules and mask-wearing, as a person who has been repeatedly told by many people online and in this area to "stay the ---- home," which I've done, and as a person who has experienced multiple and continuous (present-day) traumas repeatedly across my 47-year lifespan for now. I believe I deserve some safety, some healthy connections, some like-minded people who can celebrate social distanced with me, and some people who struggle with me in terms of mobility issues, loneliness, and mental illnesses.