Dear Ex T,

I feel so full of words. About you. About my therapy. Maybe it's time I went back to my book. Maybe it's an indication that after five months I am ready to start again on it. I think this is the only way you will ever hear it all in one go. I know you would read it if I gave it to you. Even if it wasn't a book. It's a way for me to get it all out of my head and on to paper. I'm glad I started it. I'm glad you believed in me. I'm glad I have it there to go to.

I just wish my memory was better. I had hoped that you would help fill in the gaps for me. Maybe you still will? Maybe one day you will help me to write the sections of this book from your point of view. That would be pretty awesome.

Oh, and you remember those two music teachers I stayed in touch with? The ones that helped me stay on my new track? The only people I ever felt actually cared about me? You were very moved by that story and you asked if you could share it with teachers you knew. I hope you did. I hope you took in and passed on the importance of maintaining a connection, especially for those people in life who don't have anybody else.

I know it's different for me now, I do have other people in my life, but no-one will ever be like you. It just seems ridiculous to break that connection unnecessarily. It seems ludicrous. It seems crazy. It seems words I just don't think exist.

I know I am but a dot in your life. I don't expect that I will ever mean as much to you as you do to me, but I know I mean something to you, and you are the only person who knows what me saying that means. Having gone from someone who didn't think anyone would ever want to have anything to do with me, to believing that I do bring something to your life, is an enormous leap from where I was, and it is testament to the relationship that we built. You aren't that good an actor, I'm sure. It was real. It still is real. And I am going to do my damdest to make it stay real forever.

I'll be in touch, in time.