I miss you T. I think I miss you more than I miss therapy with you. I miss just sitting with you. I miss hearing your voice. I miss holding your hand. I miss knowing that you care about me (ok, that hasn't actually gone away really which I'm glad about). I miss learning from you. I miss seeing your garden. I miss... You.

Therapy can be replaced. I am replacing that. But you can never be replaced. You are unique. So special. The connection that we had/have was special.

I just wish I could hear your words. I wish you could tell me what you think... How you feel. You never really did. Only a few times, and I remember the most recent ones as clear as day. In your moment of exhaustion you said you loved me too. I will never forget that.

And then on that last day you called me a beautiful child. Oh T, it is these things that make me certain that you felt it too. And I am hopeful that we can keep that connection alive. Like I said in my email... I have absolutely no idea what that looks like I'm reality. I know it will be difficult. I know it will need time. I know I may decide that the connection can be maintained without actually seeing or speaking to you. But I just have so much I want to say to you. So much that I want you to know, about how I feel about you, about how I want to know what you feel about me.

Time. Earlier in the year, when all if this was happing for you, you said to me the one thing you knew you had was time. But for me it is different. I live every day in fear that time is running out. For me. For my family. For you. For humanity. Time is not a given. People can be snatched away in a split second. Life is fragile beyond our comprehension and I struggle with just sitting and waiting, because there may never be a tomorrow. Tomorrow may never come.

But I know that I am impulsive. I know that I am impatient. And I know that those two traits may not be the best for me right now. I need to step back. I need to explore my own thoughts and feelings. I need to be mindful that if we do move forwards as 'us', things will have to change.

I will need to grieve the loss. I will need to work through the present and together we would need to take some tentative and respectful steps.

In time. In time.