Today has just been awful and it’s only 10. I mean it’s been a complete **** storm. I woke up wide awake at 1AM. I knew I’d be up. I watched some TV. I went to weigh myself and I was a pound heavier then I was yesterday and I was literally only .2 away from my goal weight. It was so frustrating I went on a rage and threw away all of my soda thinking that picking up on soda again was why my weight was stalling. I threw away loads of it. I took 2 Valium in a row. Had zero caffeine. I had some mint tea. My anxiety was an 11. I was just like enraged for reasons I don’t even know why. I contacted my endocrinologist through my portal and told him about my mood swings and my anger and asked him if I could do my blood test now because maybe my testosterone levels are of whack from my surgery and maybe they need to be adjusted. That’s the only thing I can think of of why I’m so ****ing angry all the time. Then I had therapy. I didn’t wear a hat because I just got my haircut and I thought it looked pretty good and manly. I ended up having diarrhea of the mouth and spilling out the Ativan incident on Sunday. Then the issues with the Valium. I didn’t mean to tell her all that. She got pissed a bit. I flat out told her I was addicted to my Valium and she said that she was glad I told her that. Then I forget how we got into the topic but she said I’m “pretty” passable as a guy. And I didn’t know what she meant by that comment and so I asked her what wasn’t “passable” about me and she said “I don’t know. Your eyes maybe?” Then she made some comment about my hair and now I’m freaking out that I’m not as passable as I thought I was and I really do feel very uncomfortable and kinda hurt by her comments about my looks. I spent the ride home looking at my eyes in the mirror. They have been bothering me physically for awhile. I’ve had blurry vision and I also scratched the left one on a piece of cardboard the other day but I didn’t think they made me look that feminine. Honestly her comments just really rubbed me the wrong way. Plus she wants to see me every week even though I can’t afford to and she wants me to sign a release so she can talk to my Pdoc. Which I straight up said I wouldn’t do. By next week she wants me to have talked to my Pdoc and my primary.

But I don’t know. With everything that went on today the comments about my appearance made me feel the worst. I hope I hear from my doctor soon and all I need is an increase in my testosterone dose.

Does anyone think it was kind of rude of her to make these comments when I didn’t even bring up passing as male in the first place?