This might sound ridiculous but it is the truth - I am terrified of being "average".

The idea that I was conceived, built, grown and launched into this world to be nothing more than “average" scares the life out of me.

Randomly throughout the day I have these mild to moderate panic attacks about what I have or have not achieved. This especially happens at night, when my brain takes inventory of the day and what happened (or didn't).


Am I smart enough?
Am I strong enough?
Am I masculine enough?
Am I sexy enough?
Have I achieved anything above average?


If all I am ever going to be is "average", then what is the purpose of living and dealing with all life's BS?


I don't know how to accept living with all the trauma of sexual and physical abuse, PTSD, depression, Autism, IBS, and everything else that's wrong with me while slaving away for some crappy employer and taking antidepressants like Halloween candy so that at the end of my life I might be AVERAGE?!


A simple cost-benefit analysis tells me I ought to just cut my losses and kill myself.