Quote:
Originally Posted by SprinkL3
There are many days and times when I don't feel safe. Nighttime is especially challenging. My T has me and my system using a "safety list" whenever I'm dealing with panic, anxiety, nightmares, and intrusive thoughts. Sometimes I have to use a combination of grounding with the safety list to get myself back to feeling safe.
Mostly, I can use those coping skills while in my apartment.
It's an entirely different scenario when I'm outside though. I have to determine what is safe and what is not (or what is iffy). I have to be on guard because I fear being a victim of a hate crime, on top of dealing with the ongoing surge in 'Rona cases. I've never felt so unsafe in my life. But there are times when I really do have to go outside to make an appointment, get blood work done, meet with my rec rehab therapist outside to go for a walk for an hour twice a month or more, dump trash and recycling, or make donations. I do the best I can with preparing myself to both fight and flee while also determining some safe things in the midst as well. It's still not "normal."
I'm now afraid of having vertigo in public, which doesn't help with my being isolated and 25% to 50% bedbound most days for the past few months. I'm trying so hard to pace myself and get better, but I fear my cortisol levels keep returning because of my constant stress.
I've also limited my reading the news, but I really do need to be informed if and when there are certain groups slated to come down to my area and protest, which largely includes increases in violent crimes and unlawful or even legal hate speech around here. I try to avoid those times, and so I have to read the news to be sure. But I do try to limit the news reading to only once per day or once every other day. So, I set boundaries for myself to keep myself feeling safe, while also using the safety list that my T helped me with.
Internal Family Systems treatment helps me to cope by talking inside with my alters and determining which one can help us feel safe, which one can be a protector if something needs to get done, etc. Being co-conscious with the alters helps me to be aware and to take more control of my life, but it is also increasing my anxiety and PTSD a lot. It ebbs and flows, really.
So there are layers to my safety needs and anxieties.
|
I use a mantra that I do. Sometimes I do it at home. I set the timer for 5 minutes and just sit and repeat over and over, while focusing on my breathing. "I am safe and everything is okay." Or I do it when I go for long walks on my own. You can go out and about and say mantras and affirmations.
I am someone of Jewish heritage and I've been told I look ethnic. I look so ethnic, I've had numerous people ask me if I'm American. I am LGBTQ and live in a conservative area. I'm super liberal as well. I usually dress in men's clothing or styles. I have short hair. My style is also alternative. I have plenty of reasons to be the target of a hate crime. Anti-semitism has been on the rise over the past few years, I pay attention. But if I let these fears and worries consume me, I will never leave the house. I have an autoimmune disease as you know and I am vulnerable to so much. But I can't let fears dictate my life or else I will never experience anything.
Do I get nervous? I do. There are times people drive by and yell harassing comments at me when I present as male. But you know, I just ignore it. At times I've yelled back vulgarities. Haha but that's how we roll in NY. What helps me is listening to music. I do check my surroundings, but the music helps me remain chill. I will even go into stores with my earbuds in, it helps with my social anxiety and my claustrophobia in crowds. There is so much I do alone. People are shocked by this. I'm 5'5 and weigh 131 pounds, I'm scrawny and fragile looking and my body is female. I know I could be a target. I have a degree in sociology, I'm aware of all the social problems surrounding being a woman, transgender, pansexual, Jewish, etc. Add on top I'm Russian-American and people around here will make that eeew face. Nonetheless, I traveled over 2,000 miles across the country on my own to save myself. In my 20's, I traveled alone from NY to TX by the bus system. If I wait around to have someone to do stuff with it will never happen. I'm single. I don't have the benefit of doing things with a partner so I do most things alone. I am tiny but I am also tough as hell.
My last partner once commented, "Oh all the people I've ever met, you are the first person I've been with who I believe could actually kick someone's ***** if you wanted to." I practice pacifism, but if I need to be tough I will be tough.
I've been in dangerous situations. Some very dangerous situations. My background in psychology and training in counseling and crisis situations has helped me through these experiences. You would think I would have more fear and anxiety than I do have. But I do struggle with anxiety. It's more in romantic relationships and friendships.
I'd love to learn more about your safe list. That's something I haven't heard of.