Quote:
Originally Posted by cinnamonsun
I use a mantra that I do. Sometimes I do it at home. I set the timer for 5 minutes and just sit and repeat over and over, while focusing on my breathing. "I am safe and everything is okay." Or I do it when I go for long walks on my own. You can go out and about and say mantras and affirmations.
I am someone of Jewish heritage and I've been told I look ethnic. I look so ethnic, I've had numerous people ask me if I'm American. I am LGBTQ and live in a conservative area. I'm super liberal as well. I usually dress in men's clothing or styles. I have short hair. My style is also alternative. I have plenty of reasons to be the target of a hate crime. Anti-semitism has been on the rise over the past few years, I pay attention. But if I let these fears and worries consume me, I will never leave the house. I have an autoimmune disease as you know and I am vulnerable to so much. But I can't let fears dictate my life or else I will never experience anything.
Do I get nervous? I do. There are times people drive by and yell harassing comments at me when I present as male. But you know, I just ignore it. At times I've yelled back vulgarities. Haha but that's how we roll in NY. What helps me is listening to music. I do check my surroundings, but the music helps me remain chill. I will even go into stores with my earbuds in, it helps with my social anxiety and my claustrophobia in crowds. There is so much I do alone. People are shocked by this. I'm 5'5 and weigh 131 pounds, I'm scrawny and fragile looking and my body is female. I know I could be a target. I have a degree in sociology, I'm aware of all the social problems surrounding being a woman, transgender, pansexual, Jewish, etc. Add on top I'm Russian-American and people around here will make that eeew face. Nonetheless, I traveled over 2,000 miles across the country on my own to save myself. In my 20's, I traveled alone from NY to TX by the bus system. If I wait around to have someone to do stuff with it will never happen. I'm single. I don't have the benefit of doing things with a partner so I do most things alone. I am tiny but I am also tough as hell.
My last partner once commented, "Oh all the people I've ever met, you are the first person I've been with who I believe could actually kick someone's ***** if you wanted to." I practice pacifism, but if I need to be tough I will be tough.
I've been in dangerous situations. Some very dangerous situations. My background in psychology and training in counseling and crisis situations has helped me through these experiences. You would think I would have more fear and anxiety than I do have. But I do struggle with anxiety. It's more in romantic relationships and friendships.
I'd love to learn more about your safe list. That's something I haven't heard of.
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Thank you!
I plan on responding when I finally get sleep. I'm fatigued, but I never got any sleep last night.
A few things before I forget -
1. There's a bus that goes from NY to Texas?! Wowzers!
2. I'm sorry people have harmed you with hate speech. That shouldn't be acceptable or even a thing that we all eventually desensitize to. I'm glad you have the strength and resources to defend yourself, and the courage to go out nonetheless.
3. I'm sorry you struggle with an autoimmune problem. That must be tough, too.
For me, I'm too disabled to be able to defend myself. I wish I could, but I can barely defend myself against a fly. I think I pulled something trying to swat a fly once. I bought a small machine, which I hope helps for those days when I do get those pests in my apartment, LOL. But for these reasons, I remain indoors. I am slowly trying to go outside, but both my T and recreational rehab T told me to take things very slow with that, so I am.
I'm just miserable because if I go too fast, I will be too disabled to move forward. But if I don't move forward fast enough, I risk getting worse.
I'm going to try and sleep now. I will return to reply more. Thanks so much for replying. I'll explain what my T explained about the safety list when I return. It's kind of like the 54321 method for grounding, but it's more like CBT and very different and easier to follow than the 54321 method. It takes seconds rather than minutes, so it's fast-acting.
I'll just explain it now, LOL, while I'm here.
Here's what typically happens with the combo of my DID and (C)PTSD.
1. My body and/or alters will sense danger or get triggered.
2. I will react differently, depending on the context and the alter who is out.
3. We now use internal family systems treatment to talk with one another and figure out who will be out to handle the situation. The problem is, when a lot of us are triggered by different things, it really makes it harder for us to be co-conscious with (i.e., aware of) one another.
4. So because we are collectively overwhelmed, we learned to figure out what is safe - it could be anything from the alter that can come out and protect us, or the room that we're in, or the statistics that are low for certain things that could go wrong with any given scenario, or anything that we could think of that's safe. We do that even when our anxiety is mild, so that we get routine practice for when the major triggers happen. We can still detect danger, but we can find safety in that together, as a team of alters working side by side and figuring out what's safest. (For those without DID, you could identify your internal strengths, such as what you mentioned about your psychology and sociology knowledge, which you could apply. You also have the ability to fight back and defend yourself, as well as your cool personality that allows you to assert yourself in a very efficient way. You have that "command presence." Without realizing it, you already do the safety list. But you have the confidence, self-efficacy, and history of building mastery in that area to do so. But there are things that will affect people differently, so some additional measures must be taken to ensure that it works. For DID, it takes internal talking and negotiating with alters. For non-DID, it takes internal talking with yourself to make a decision.)
5. Once we determine what is safe, then we compare that with what we were originally triggered by or afraid of. By this point, we may be more clear-headed to ascertain the threat - whether it is something we can just walk away from, something that is truly a danger that requires assistance or otherwise, or something that isn't a threat but rather a challenge that we start with by just thinking of the safety factors for a while before taking a very small first step. And sometimes it takes two steps backwards before we take one step forward. We are allowed to go as slow and safe as we need to deal with confronting our fears - some of them being very valid and requiring rest, though our mind on safety remains there all the while.
6. Over time, our safety list or checks become more automatic, so that helps. It's not as stressful as having to deal with CBT charts or acronyms - something that is too difficult for people with certain levels of brain fog, fatigue, or both. So easier steps that are quicker with similar results (that might take more time, but it's easier on the mind and the body and our stress levels, so as to prevent relapse in the future) is best. For others, they might need more in-depth methods, but I just can't handle those - never have been able to handle those.
tldr: If the above explanation is too long, a safety list is simply thinking of anything safe whenever you are triggered by something. You then ascertain the level of threat after considering the safe things.