(((( Mountaindewed ))))

So sorry to hear that you've had a rupture with your T.

What your T said seemed very insensitive, and it reveals the lack of cultural competency by the way the remark seemed almost tantamount to gender role stereotypes and therefore a microaggression.

When my T states something that hurts my feelings deeply, because of her lack of cultural competency training (which most T's lack because a. they haven't included an in-depth training for the LGBTQ+ community, non-white racial communities, nonbinary communities, etc.; and because b. most higher education institutions and some red states are outright banning the teaching of such, sadly). So, when T's are trying to be inclusive, they might say something really harmful, really microaggression-y, and really ignorant. It's UNFAIR for us to have to go through these iatrogenic effects of non-culturally-sensitive treatments in talk therapy sessions, as well as to have to be the ones to "educate" our T's on something they should already know, given that we live in a pluralistic society (not a unilateral or binary society, but rather a very diverse one).

I expressed anger to my T, and I shared a bunch of resources via email with my T. My T is super sweet, and she's left-leaning, so she completely apologized and is open to helping me. I was able to work with my T on many issues, and she has helped me. She might not be the expert we need in diversity issues and related mental health harms, but she's willing to learn, read, and help me. She's willing to listen to me through multiple lenses, and I'm willing to understand her and heal on a level that is now understanding how hard it is for some people to understand us. It does take communication, and with that comes the spreading of the word for a need for this, which will help.

So, consider discussing these issues with your T, and seeing if your T is willing to learn more about how certain things are considered an insult to certain cultures, such as the LGBTQ+ community. If your T is someone you trust and someone you think cares about you, then it's worth salvaging. Otherwise, if you've had nothing but personality clashes with your T as well as ruptures, it might be time to find a more competent T. But first initiate the conversation with your T so that you can at least get closure.

Hang in there. Keep processing with us here on the forum. You're not alone in the struggle.

PS: I admit that I don't know much about the LGBTQ+ community, but I do have a mentor who teaches on this in terms of military inclusion and VA care. He's a veteran and reservist who is a gay man, and he has advocated for the LGB (when the T was dropped during the last administration) and now LGBT (when the T was allowed during the present administration) in both military and veteran settings. I'm learning a lot myself, when I have a chance to speak with him, since I'm the "+" part of the LGBTQ+ community, so sometimes I don't fit in and I definitely don't know the lingo or what's appropriate. But I do know that my pronouns will shift, depending. So, forgive me, if I've said or suggested anything offensive.