Reading back through all my old posts here and feeling. I knew, when I entered in to this process, in this way, this type of work, that it was a risk. I knew it could end horribly but I was in a desperate situation and it was a risk I was willing to take. At the time I said "a risk I have to take".

It ended badly. I really got to the stage where I didn't think it would. Really got to the stage where I truly believed that you understood what we were doing here, and the implications of that. Either you do, and don't have the capacity to think of me at the moment, or you never did truly get it.

This type of work really shouldn't just be abruptly ended. We should have been able to have these discussions. Work this through. We should have had the time we needed to end this properly. Like I said to you at the time, I would have waited for that. Five years of intense relational attachment based therapy can't be properly finished in one meeting. Of that I am sure.

I guess I'm lucky I got that. I know some don't. But I should have had the opportunity to do this properly. I know you've had a lot on your plate, and I am truly sorry for that. I really am, and I wish I could have just walked away from you, but the work that we did put me in a place where I just can't do that. It changed me. Deep inside. It changed me into someone who won't be...... Trodden on??

I don't know. It's really hard to explain. It's really hard to live. I want to be understanding, accepting, gracious, forgiving, simple, but I'm struggling with that. I am being that, in a way, but in another way I am being selfish, unreasonable, spoilt, challenging and down right demanding.

I don't like being like that, but yet here I am. Feeling like that. Being like that. Angry. But I love you. And I don't know how to make sense of that. Just like I feel with my abuser. I don't know how to make sense of that either.

And so I wonder if Temp T is where I need to be right now. To be able to end that attachment based part right. To take over from where I was. To have the ending I deserved.

Maybe I will email Old T. She 'got it'. She said we could have a discussion about it. Maybe she is the one who can help me make some sense of all of this and to find a way forwards. Because I feel lost. Lost and uncertain and desperately wanting to to the 'right' thing for myself, in a world (a therapy world) that is secretive and unknown and unforgiving.

I need a pointer because I feel like I am going in the wrong direction most of the time.