Had a mostly-good, productive session with L today but it kinda derailed there at the end and I got all defensive and snippy with her (some complex or other got activated, I could feel it, but was helpless to stop it for a bit). She'd asked when I wanted to schedule again and I was thinking out loud about how I've been debating on that because a week ago, I had briefly wished we'd scheduled for that day instead of today. She caught me completely off guard when she responded with something along the lines of (probably not exact words, it didn't 'sound' or feel like her at all, sounded like she was quoting someone else) 'This is a container with boundaries. You can't just call and schedule a session anytime you feel like it.' I snipped back at her something like 'well I didn't did i.' She said, "No, you didn't." At that point I was angry and thought **** it now I don't want to come back at all. But by then I realized it was a complex that had me and I knew if I said that, I would regret it so I said I want to schedule for 12/10. I was feeling rejected and like she was pushing me away.

On the way home I was thinking about it and I'm thinking that decreasing frequency messed with the dynamics of the relationship or something. I mean she's always, always, always harped on this being "a relationship". I have never before gotten a 'boundary lecture' but it felt like one today, with the "this is a container with boundaries" stuff. I'm not angry anymore, I've decided to look at this within the context of the past 10 years of doing this work with her, and just taking it as maybe some complex or other got activated in HER and she didn't catch it in time.

So anyway song lyrics come to mind right now.... "it's better to burn out... than to fade away...." Maybe she and I are at the point of burning out. It is a relationship after all, and any relationship can become subject to that. Much to think on before we meet again, that's for sure.

I had my gym bag in the car so I stopped on the way home and swam laps for awhile and that made me feel better.

eta: I wonder now something else - how much of my previous patterns with her are replaying here with this today?