She told me awhile back about some different milestones I've reached therapy-wise (I wish she'd told me these things before) and that we're not even doing actual therapy anymore, that we haven't been for awhile, she's calling it something more like spiritual mentoring. So that's I guess what started the ball rolling this time, hearing that stuff. So I started talking about ending. And she asked me why I think I have to stop. That was when I realized I don't think I have to but that I feel like I should. But that I didn't really want to, not completely. I think the 'should' thing for me comes from the good girl/guilt complex, that thinks well if we're not even doing therapy anymore then I should leave and open up a space for someone else who needs help.

As I examine my reasons for not wanting to stop though - what I'm finding it really boils down to is pretty much not wanting to lose this connection with her, wanting to keep it somehow, without seeing her every week. But, as I learned yesterday, I've already changed it, changed the dynamic between us, by going to monthly. The connection isn't as strong as it used to be as a result; I accept that. It's okay. And I have for the most part actually enjoyed not going every week... it's been a breath of fresh air to not have to examine every.little.thing (one for instance, why I get my hair cut. Why does getting my hair cut have to have some deeper spiritual meaning behind it? I like changing it up, that's all there is to it but she always wants to look for some hidden meaning behind it each time I do). That's just one example. Also, I know that I have gotten what I came for and then some. My biggest all-around goal was to learn how to let myself be happy. And I am happy now. And this latest quandary isn't messing with my happy, I'm not crying over or about it. Just honestly working my way through it.

Another biggie is I've learned how to catch myself in whatever complexes get activated by h and my marriage has gotten a lot better as a result. These things and a bunch more add to the feeling that I should stop. I was journaling about all of this earlier and realized something else - that the next step on my psychological journey isn't going to happen until I stop.

I have pretty much come to the realization that making the decision to stop, following through by actually stopping (and not going back), and accepting the consequences of that decision is the next step in my life journey.

Wow. That was a lot.