I just literally opened the word document on my computer to think about my book again and saw this.....
"It is important not to minimize or deny how much you have been hurt. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx. Psychologically, the abuse means that you had no control, power, or choice in what was done to you. Unlike in natural disasters or in war, in xxxxxxxxxx the trauma is caused by another person who is most often known and trusted by the child, creating the experience of betrayal trauma.
And the hurt is not limited to what the abuser does. Often there is an even greater sense of shock and betrayal felt by the child because other adults weren’t there to protect them, making the child feel abandoned. There can be a sense that it takes a village to raise a child…and it takes a village to abuse one. Especially when the abuse happens in an ostensibly “good,” caring, community, it can feel like the whole world has been complicit, and this can cause you to feel unsafe and insecure in the world.

THIS. THIS is why this type of work should not be ended like it was if it can in any way be helped. I KNOW it is different, but it doesn't FEEL different. I personally think it could have been helped. I would have waited, as long as it took. I would have given you all the time and space you needed if only you had recognised the importance of not abandoning me like that, after everything that we worked through. If only you had been honest with me about where you were at and if you had said that when you could, you would help me to resolve this.

You have said two or three times now that to continue would have been doing me a dis-service. You have said that it wouldn't have been fair on me. I can assure you that THIS isn't fair on me. The right thing to do would have been to just hit pause. On this, at least. To take away my control, my power, my choice, was not fair....... on me. Oh I don't know. I don't think I know an awful lot right now.

Does seeing this and knowing this make it easier? I'm not sure. Maybe it can. Maybe it can help me to see that this is coming from an old place. Maybe it can help push me to work on this old stuff with the new lady. If I can just get through all of this without hitting the self destruct button........ Without isolating myself from the world....... Without completely unravelling everything that we did.