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SprinkL3 · Nov 13, 2021 at 06:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Revu2

Oh, thanks all for the luv and hugs. There's my Inner Stopper, the older sibling of my Inner Criticism. Criticism ALWAYS follows accomplishment. Related is the Inner Saboteur. Criticism alone would be enough to handle, but the Saboteur goes into the Real World and mucks it us.

The Game now is reeling into choice and awareness what happens post accomplishment (I'll use wins from here out because accomplishment is too long). Not all Wins creates any whiplash from the Inner Critic or Saboteur. That's fascinating all by itself and a real clue. When doesn't the dog bark? (To steal the key to the "Silver Blaze" Sherlock Holmes story).

It's like fishing, for sure. I got it hooked now on the end of the line of my awareness. It's twisting and struggling, sometimes a tick or 2 closer and I carefully notch the reel. Sometimes breaching the surface, most of the time underwater.

What are the Wins that get a yawn from the inner C/Ss? I've always been caution with alcohol and other drugs, never took up smoking, and zero recovery stories to tell. I guess I'm 67, almost 68 years in recovery. Yawn.

I pay all my bills on time, the mortgage is paid off, the 2nd mortgage deal just expired, and since childhood if I got a dollar I could save a nickel.

One period, when I had a steady paycheck, I began putting $128 a month into a mutual fund. This time period almost exactly matched one of the longest bull markets in history. I got into cash before the crash and used part of the money on the down payment for our home.

My parents divorced, neither of my brothers managed any long term relationships, yet I've been with my partner for 39 years.

Inner C/S: Stop Already! You're boring us to death.

Me: To death?

I C/S: Well, no, but into suspended animation!

Revu2

I have "inner critics" that sometimes sound like yours. I have DID, so they are in the form of alternate personalities. My T has worked with some of them, and she accepted them. They weren't expecting her to accept them. My T says that they use those criticisms as a way to protect - even though it doesn't feel like protection to us. It's a way to help us not to feel the full weight of betrayal trauma, or the full weight of social injustices, or the full weight of feeling completely and utterly helpless. But their internalized words are from the source of abuse, trauma, and/or pain. Their internalized words from the perpetrators, abusers, and more have now infiltrated our minds, memories, thoughts, emotions, and introspection. Such internalization is distorted and harmful, not fact-based or protective.

But our defenses (as maladaptive as they could be) could be turned around to being better protectors. Instead of fighting ourselves, blaming ourselves (which, during childhood trauma, kids most often blame themselves, so it's no wonder we learned that and kept that going in adulthood), and feeling powerless; we could learn a few steps - maybe small steps - to counter those negative thoughts. We could learn how to find ways to direct the anger and pain we feel toward the source - the perpetrators, the need for activism, the need for social justice, the need for awareness, artwork that describes our internal pain, journals that describe why it's more painful to admit that it wasn't our fault and instead someone else's, etc.

The small step here would be to acknowledge that the part of you who has internalized all that pain holds those memories of that pain, and that itself is a defense, a protection of sorts, even though it doesn't feel like it. The first step is to acknowledge how that part of yourself needs love and care, because it never got it. That's what my T showed me and that part of me, every time she accepted that part, and every time that part got mad at her and challenged her. She was kind to that part, and she was stern at times when the part got out of hand, but she still worked with the part. The part is now doing better and learning better ways. Your part can, too, but we first have to see how hurt the part is and why the part is reacting so strongly.