I have published a peer-reviewed paper already, so I do have that experience. I had a falling out with a research mentor, so that killed my dreams. I also had deteriorating mental health issues going on, too. I was a clinical psych major. My emphasis was on trauma heterogeneity. I've since switched to victimization, as it also relates to trauma heterogeneity. It's a different field altogether.

My other research mentor - the one I get along with - is now retired. He is playing it super safe to keep himself and his family safe, since he has just battled cancer. I only contact him a couple of times out of the year, but he might not be available anymore for a recommendation.

My newer mentors are not research mentors. One is a professional development mentor who is a member of the American Psychological Association (and within the UC system in California), so I could ask her about the stuff you mentioned. I am just too afraid. California is where I grew up with all my abuse, so I am terrified of returning. But I can still contact that mentor, though she's not able to write me a recommendation since she's only a professional development mentor of mine.

My other newer mentor can write me a letter of recommendation, but he takes a very controversial stance, as I helped him with research that uses critical race theory, including inclusivity, diversity, cultural competency, LGBTQ+ community, racism awareness, disability awareness, minority veterans, and more. He is both a veteran as well as a teacher (not tenured) as well as a social worker as well as an advocate for the LGBTQ+ community for the Veterans Administration as well as a reserve officer or reserve enlisted, I believe, so he is still in the military. I'm a veteran, so I could see about qualifying for the VRE program at the VA, but I AM NOT READY! I'm a huge hot mess with my dissociative disorders, my physiological disorders, my chronic fatigue disorder, my brain fog, my depression, my prediabetes now, and my possible thyroid conditions (which I have yet to go in for more tests to confirm hypothyroidism). I've not been able to fix any of this yet. I'm in therapy twice a week, and my therapist - who trains others as well as used to be a consultant for the FBI - suggested that she could help me if I were ready to apply for grad programs. I thought that was sweet, but she and I know that I'm not ready right now.

My T said that the "bad mentor" whom I had a falling out with was, indeed, not being ethical with me. So that experience totally retraumatized me. I don't even know if I could pass the GRE at this point. I'm terrified of getting my driver's license. And I have straight-A backgrounds at two recent colleges, but I am terrified again of taking tests now. I'm also too scared of leaving my apartment. I'm a mess.

I feel awful and horrible - as if all of my dreams were shattered by this pandemic.

I fear that if I do try, people will attack me for being Asian.

There are too many Asians being attacked, including students. Being that I'm an OLDER Asian, I'm even more at risk of being attacked! I'm also multiracial, obese, disabled, short, and female - everything that ableists, agists, and racists would hate - even if they aren't proclaimed bigots. I experienced this enough at a university and with one of my 5 mentors. I know that it would only be worse now that this pandemic brought out all that in a very bad way. I'm not ready to face all that!

I'm also not ready to get all these medical bills for getting severely ill from either the flu or the coronavirus. I have immunocompromising conditions, so the vaccines will weaken on me.

I'm doing what I can to reverse my prediabetes and see about managing my newfound thyroid problems. I'm still in therapy for my dissociation and PTSD, but now I have pandemic-related illnesses.

I'm just sad because it is my passion to do research and write, but I feel the world hates me - and academia is the #1 hater of people like me. I've felt it, experienced it pre-pandemic. It's only gotten worse now.

And my current work with CRT with one of my mentors will only make it that much harder for me to be taken seriously in a world that hates CRT now. My research is completely over! It's gone. There is NO FUTURE with CRT - ever! A new paradigm must be invented.

And I do agree with some of the flaws that CRT brings, but to find a mentor who is willing to discuss the issues with CRT from a unbiased view - from a moderate stance - would be incredibly challenging.

Anyway, to bring that up here on these forums or anywhere would only bring more arguments, hate, and ad-hominem attacks that I don't deserve. I both agree and disagree with CRT, but I don't agree with banishing it altogether from lesson plans for adults in college and above. I do agree that there are flaws, and that the way it's being administered to even people like me are highly harmful (Asians, for instance, have been labeled "white adjacent" or "white passing," and that is offensive as well as minimizing because Asians have historically been harmed in terms of racial traumas, historical traumas, etc.). But, I also believe that there is this anti-white bias that most people aren't addressing either. If we are to look at the pure behavioral aspect of bigotry (not racism, but rather just pure bigotry - in the sense that the maladaptive behavior is disliking that which is different from you, based on schemas, stereotypes, false attributions, and systemic issues), then we will see that anyone can be a victim as well as a perpetrator of such biases, and that we all need help to deal with these culture-bound effects of systemic issues. It's not a one-against-the-other war that everyone is claiming. It's rather an issue of a lack of mindfulness because of our culture-bound blinders.

In terms of victimization, yes, all persons - including white persons - have been victims of bigotry, including false attributions, ad-hominem attacks, microaggressions, and more - regardless of whether it is substantiated in criminal or civil courts.

So, if I want to include bigotry as a form of traumatic victimization, or trauma heterogeneity, with different outcomes, different symptoms, and different levels of community support (being a protective factor against traumatic sequelae), it would need to be supported by mentors and politicized academia. They would not see this as a benefit at all.

In fact, I'd be hated by both sides - the left and the right - because I'm not conforming to either one. I'm sick of the polarization already, and it's harmed our higher ed now. It's hard to see where there would be a place for me at all. People just want to shove it under the rug (the right) or shout it from the rooftops (the left). I just want to see true science come to fruition. It's hard to see that when the government has waivered on their scientific facts because of political infiltration in their ranks. So the integrity of science and higher ed being funded largely by the NIH are all under attack. Again, it's hard to see a future for me - a person whom the NIH would probably just see as a "liability," as opposed to another voice, another research angle with creative ideas. I'd just be hated by all.

So, that's where I stand. I hope you don't hate me for this, now that I just got my two cents out there.

I do feel very honored that you'd take notice in my own passions.

I'd rather just cheerlead people like you on, in hopes that our world's and nation's future become more bright.