My alters and I are not all in agreement with this healthier lifestyle business.

But, we are trying to communicate with one another, and we plan on discussing these issues with our therapist this week.

Here's some thoughts that have been happening lately.

Some alters want to change for the better, but they don't want to do it because someone else suggested it. They don't want to be told what to do. So they are hesitant.

Other alters, like the littles, feel like they are being punished. It's hard to tell them that they really aren't. But they still experience this transition as a huge loss.

The older alters are feeling more connected with me lately, as I approach their age. It's as if they were waiting for me to catch up to their weakened bones. There's even a "crippled old lady" in our system. Poor thing has been hurting since what seems like forever.

The teens still feel like they are invincible. They don't like people telling them what to do either, but they do want to protect our system, too. So they abide by the rules on their terms - and on their terms only.

The protectors and the depressed ones (all ages) are struggling with all this. They see this as another doom-and-gloom moment before our tragic traumatic end begins. They scare me. And I hurt their feelings when I say that they scare me. I'm sorry, I just don't know how to deal with the really intense emotions of depression, suicidality, anger, and rage - sometimes all combined into one, it seems. But they are trying to work with us and do the right thing. They are truly struggling, but the rest of the alters and I accept them as part of the "me family." We all hold these painful memories of the collective life we've shared together for 47 years so far and counting.

It's hard to take that first step.

I've done the losing weight thing before. I'm sick that thinness is praised, as opposed to being praised along the way for other accomplishments, and despite my looks and appearances. That's a huge trigger for me - appearances.

When I was about 16, I went down to about 78 pounds. I didn't eat. No one noticed, except for my coworker at a grocery store. She tried to help me, and she did. She was one of the nicest women I have ever met. I lost touch with her over the years, but I'm sure she's out there somewhere making a difference in the world.

My T said that I was anorexic when I was a teen. I had no idea. I was on the drill team for a short while before I quit my last half of the semester of my senior year. I wasn't exactly pressured into being thin. I just simply didn't want to eat. I was depressed. That's all I'll say about that.

There are a few alters that hold similar feelings inside - one is 16 and the other is 19. They both hate my body (or what we call "the body" - since my body is an alter and land/system of its own). They both contributed to the anorexic stuff.

But my coworker helped me to eventually eat again. I think she helped my alters, too, but I didn't realize I ever had alters really. The alter with the best friend that died (whom I described above) was silent during my later teen years, and other alters took over, I think. I just didn't know that other alters took over until a very long time afterward - well into my 30s - when I was first diagnosed with DID. Until then, I just thought all the stuff I dealt with regarding lost times and strange emotions were "normal." I also thought that every teen goes through a phase of not wanting to eat and becoming super thin. I had no idea.

At the time, food grossed me out. It was like someone was stuffing me in the same way I felt "stuffed" and "smothered" with sexual advances and . So, eating became a trigger in and of itself. Feeling fat on my body also felt triggering, as I thought "curves" meant that I would be more prone to be sexually harassed.

Flash forward to my later adult years, when weight gain became an inevitable thing due to my many disabilities - and I saw the opposite pendulum swing where being obese meant that I would ward off sexual harassment. In a strong sense, yes, it does. But so, too, does age. So it's unclear which one - age or obesity - are "protective factors" against being sexually harassed. Nevertheless, I do also understand that anyone of any shape or size or gender can be sexually harassed and/or assaulted. But, like they teach in certain stats that certain groups are more prone to certain victimizations, the thin females and the young females often get sexually assaulted, whereas the shapely older females and thin elderly females and Asian females in general often get sexually harassed. Statistics reveal likelihood, which does not help in my case.

Somehow weight - whether thin or obese - becomes a factor in all this. It's scary to think about weight as being a defense mechanism against sexual victimization. But that's been how me and some of my alters have been thinking lately - or since forever.

We know that's a distortion.

We don't have a diagnosed ED, but we may have been ruled out as having an ED not-otherwise-specified, before the DSM-5 began their spectrum-based disorders. We will ask our T about this.

For now, we're trying to deal with our feelings.

We wishes that people weren't so controlling, pushy, bossy - when it comes to how you should eat, how you should dress, how you should feel, how you should vote, how you should do this or do that. It's all too much, and it all feels like the cult all over again. It feels like spiritual abuse, and it hurts. It hurts so bad that I wonder if there is .

There's a lot more to this story, but I don't feel comfortable sharing here. I'd rather share with my T.