ok nevermind. it's ok. i'm ok. I got this! i posted that stuff above before i logged onto work. but now that i'm working and still feeling it i glanced up and saw my little poster of the mood elevator tool and decided to use it once again. damn good tool this is!! I see myself low on the elevator at insecure, worried, anxious. the best way as always for me to get to curious is to ask myself 'what can i do right now to make this situation better?" and i realize that I can counter the worry and insecurity by remembering that our relationship has survived ruptures in the past, has survived your getting temporarily frustrated with me and me getting temporarily upset at you, etc so there's no reason to think we won't survive this. I can counter the anxious feelings by remembering that it's my decision to stop, so if you decide you don't want to see me in December as scheduled (so we can talk through this), that you'd just be giving me what I said I want. Maybe not the way I wanted it, but what I want, nonetheless. I don't get to decide how you give me what I am asking you for. And the biggest of all I need to remind myself that I don't want to play the victim role on the DDT anymore - I don't want to be anywhere ON the DDT anymore at all - I got out my TED worksheet "Making the shift from drama to empowerment" and instead of focusing on "I screwed up! I'm so broken! Fix me!" I'm CHOOSING to focus on "Yes, I made a mistake, I accept that I am not perfect and it's okay, because I am dedicated to continued growth and sometimes hiccups like this will happen while I'm growing." I am choosing to move from the place of merely reacting, to choosing - I choose to feel inspired and energied to use this mistake to further my growth, and I am taking responsibility for my actions by not contacting you again and trying to further get you to hold it for me. It's not yours to hold. It's mine and I accept it.