Dear T,

Thank you for reading my emails and listening to my phone message after our session today. Session was really hard today, but you knew that. I would have much preferred to continue speaking about Disney movies instead of what one of my alters wanted to discuss about her traumas. I know they are somehow my traumas, too, but it's hard to process. I am processing, but I'm also wanting to avoid it.

I always gets scared that whatever we reveal about our icky, traumatic past will mean that you will leave us and say that you can't treat us anymore, or that you will think of me or my alters as "bad." But when we asked you for reassurance, you immediately replied and gave us reassurance. We know you can't do that all the time, but it really meant a lot that you did. Your email meant a lot - just those brief words of reassurance really go a long way with helping us not overthink our session today.

And this is just one of many different traumas we struggle with. I'm overwhelmed just with this trauma.

We kept reading about our best friend's death in the newspaper's archives today. No one ever knows what it feels like to not only experience a major loss, but to read about your friend getting murdered and having it in the paper.

I was supposed to go out with them that night, and I might not be alive if I did.

There's a lot of stuff to that, and it happened in the early 1990s, though I swore that it happened earlier than that. But maybe my alter who took over at the time was still stuck in her age, so that is why she recalls it as it being when she was a certain age, not when I, the body dweller/main person whatevers was the closer age.

It hurts to read about my friend's murder in detail in the newspaper. It's like a stain on her record forever.

I felt sick by that.

I don't know what you think of me or my alters, but the people we were hanging out with back then were not good people. And the older men were really sick for being with us underage girls. We are mad that one of them murdered our friend, and we were scared that they would come after us, too. But we forgot to mention that in therapy today. They were like a sick group of men who preyed on us younger girls, and they just knew we came from broken families.

You seem to have said all the right things in session today. I just don't know why it's hard for me to remain as calm as when you helped us to calm down at the end of our session. I shot right back to being triggered. I feel like a failure at therapy, but I know that's not what therapy is about, so I'm putting myself down and shouldn't be doing that. But it's hard not to.

I feel so ashamed, and I think I'm feeling survivor's guilt, too.

It's easier to share in emails than it is in session, but you already know that about us.

Today was a really hard session.

So we will go to sleep and hope to feel better tomorrow.

We can't wait to see you next week, but we are also scared (as usual) of when you go away for the holidays because we hope and pray you don't get sick with any virus. We hope all the boosters work. We know that you go out of your way to see us twice a week, and to change the schedule slightly on holiday weeks, but nonetheless see us that week. That means the world to us. We are very fortunate to have you as our therapist.

(We plan on sending an email explaining all of this anyway, but we put this here - my alters and I, that is - so that we can share our experiences.)