I smoked weed and watched videos of "word salad in patients with schizophrenia". I felt like I lost my mind for 2 hours.. But it was interesting to realize how I talk to people sometimes when feeling apathetic or very frustrated, forgetful, unfocused.

I don't know the extent to how other people see me. I'm thankful for my good insight and now for the self-awareness that I'm developing.

I can comprehend things well when sober. I only sometimes have great ideas - And I like the well put together novel, stimulating things. It's like I'm used to such rich thought... And many times in life (Like most people), time is very slowed down and there's moments that feels like we're walking through a desert for years, having no idea when things will end.

I try to piece together my existence - Maybe what to do about being conscious.. Why I had so many addictions, why there's so many things that I've missed/mistakes I've made - And how to be at peace with it all - Right now.. Like why did I not see what most people have known..

Now I sit here and think, "Is it too late to have fun?" - Now that I've suffered all of these concentrated satanic manifestations/realms.. And I am still curious.. I want to know how other entities see the world - But I don't want to be a hovering energy, absorbing all of reality for eternity. I need a break maybe - I've been in the same place for too long with disorganized thoughts, piercing into a place where everyone is fixated on dopamine, doing their own thing - All of desires, one-upping, surviving, mindless - Turning into machines.

I didn't want money at one point - But the jinx is that I know that, but also I'm the same as everyone else - An organism.. A life - And there's a destination or necessity to preserve homeostasis under whichever pattern is in reality, like water settling or the gravity of a black hole - It is the nature of matter to condense into place and just exist. Anything going against or with the grain - All for the same reason.. To BE.