Yes lol.. I don't know where I am or what I'm doing (No I'm sure I'm ok)..

I will take a break from the plant.. I thought that it would be ok to just smoke once every late afternoon as a habit. The reason I keep doing this is because I feel better in the late evening + I think it possibly stops hypnotic heart palps..

I woke up today, early.. went to work.. And I was hoping that I wouldn't be bothered - No one was there to be sadistic to me .. I was told to clean the stove and I think to myself, "Why am I always forced to do mindless stuff? How do I get out of this?"..

I took the 10mg olanzepine just now. If I still feel anxious and paranoid, I'll take a clonazepam.

I also went to get my haircut and I was listening to a conversation next to me - I thought I better use my mental energy to not zone out.. so focused on my thoughts and the social situation, noticed I wasn't talking to my hairdresser.. And that I don't feel happy - But instead, scared..

I don't want to be in a world of my own and start doing things that people would judge me for - Like being weird socially and that people would feel sorry for me. I want to stop the meds too - I want the perfect mind, but also feel that it's hard to not give in to the mental illness and let it take over me.

Less plant, and more.. Idk.. I don't know what I want or need.