I’ve refrained from posting anything substantial here for a week now. The break didn’t prove any better or worse than being here daily. I guess I just don’t get much out of anything these days, but something is better than nothing I guess. It’s getting harder to not completely isolate even from social interactions on the internet. I’m not sure how I’m gonna overcome it this time.

I’ve entered into a depression, and a rough one at that. Can’t get out of bed, crying, reliving past issues and finding myself in situations that I just don’t know how to overcome emotionally. I guess that is probably expected when you abruptly stop your medicine for bipolar depression. I have therapy and my psychiatrist Tuesday. I am really worried she is gonna push an antidepressant on me, and my history with them have been awful. I’m too weak and worn out to argue though. I’ll just accept what she wants and give no push back. It’s not worth advocating for myself, I’ve learned that the hard way.

Therapy is feeling like a chore and so is seeing a psychiatrist to figure out medicine. I want to give them both up but I can see being depressed as a blessing – I don’t have the energy to make the call and cancel. I know logically I do need both and better quality of life can follow, but I can’t see beyond the here and now with the pain, I guess.

Like I said, I don’t leave my house, I don’t have friends – my phone doesn’t ring, I don’t get texts, other than living with my mother, I am in fact alone. I don’t leave these four walls unless necessary. My life has always on some level been this way, but it’s worse than ever now and I don’t really want to change, I kind of want to isolate even more. It’s not like I have a lot more isolation I could do.. but giving up outside contact (appointments) is where I feel I could spare myself the pain.

I promised myself if I came back to the forum after my break I wouldn’t bear my soul about my issues – not only do I regret doing it every time, it’s ridiculous to think someone who isn’t paid would care to the extent of sharing the way I do. That’s not a jab at the forum or the support people give here, it’s just a personal sentiment about how I feel about my sharing habits.

The only thing I’ve decided I have to do between now and Monday evening is try to at least sum up a lot of the issues I’m having right now to talk to my therapist. An hour just isn’t enough time to get through it and the context is important. I can highlight in a few sentences the things I feel should be known, and focus then on the pressing, distressing stuff of the present moment. That’s about the most logical thing I can do right now I think.

Let’s see if I get the energy to shower today. Low self-esteem really perpetuates the fact I am unlovable, ugly, disgusting, stupid, and boring. My lack of being able to maintain relationships or even get people to show interest in me after meeting me only makes it that much worse. Showering does make me feel better sometimes though. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to overcome those feelings or the need to be isolated and alone.

I’ve shared quite a bit more than I wished to today, and in the future it’ll probably be less than this. It is what it is, though. I struggle to think how much therapy could really help me in the end. Oh well.