I felt ok, almost normal, from Monday afternoon through Friday. I kept my pdoc appt even though I felt silly, like I had made a big deal over nothing. She increased seroquel xr to 200mg but I haven’t taken the new dose yet, I was just able to pick it up yesterday.

This weekend though I’ve been in a foul mood. On Friday my emotions were heightened, right at the surface. The last video we had to watch for our in service on Friday infuriated me as soon as I saw the woman (we’ve had to watch a couple of her videos and they are NOT RELATIVE And NOT PRACTICAL for the clientele we serve. Not to mention this woman must never sleep because her ideas are ridiculously time consuming when you take into account all the other things we and the teachers have to do. Sorry, I don’t get paid to work at home. Anyway I could feel my temper riding and I immediately took deep breaths and brought myself down, why should I allow work to dictate my emotional state?

Then my brother canceled on coming to my son’s birthday dinner, and my other SIL had already canceled, so I almost cried and I never ever cry. I’m going to blame it on hormones.

I’ve been very depressed and irritable this weekend. Unwilling to be in public. I’ve convinced myself that my coworkers think I’m extremely annoying and would love it if I weren’t on the team anymore. I know I can’t trust them or treat them like true friends so I’m not sure why I feel bad about it, I’ve never been able to think of people as true friends. I’ve been stuck thinking about things in the past and getting resentful about my brother’s (and his wife’s) perspective of how I was somehow the “favorite”, the golden child of the family. He seems to forget our mother did not one thing for me that she wasn’t forced into doing. Did I get more attention? Yes, because I was seriously mentally ill. I distinctly remember at least one time where she was threatened by my case manager to take me to crisis or she was going to call CPS for medical neglect. She did what they told her to do and nothing more. I also remember getting kicked out of school for a bit because she did not get me the proper immunizations, I remember having my braces on for 4 years instead of 2 because she would forget appointments and not make another until after I had told her several times, and I remember coming off Effexor cold turkey in my senior year because she quit taking me to the psychiatrist. I would have pushed that but I didn’t want to be on meds anymore anyway.

My childhood wasn’t some dream existence either. I do think he had it worse, there’s no denying that, but I had it bad too.

Anyway. I’ve been re-reading Harry Potter. Im halfway through the deathly hallows.