I am struggling today to reconcile with myself. I obsess a lot over appointments as I am sure you've all noticed. I see my therapist and psychiatrist tomorrow and both meetings come with their struggles. I'll leave therapy for the end of this post though, and focus on my psychiatrist. I already dealt with her being quite dismissive of me when we last talked. I did what I thought I was supposed to do, contact my doctor -- she essentially just said "Stop taking it, I guess." and any concern I had was "Well if it bothers you, go to the ER. Or take half." ... I know she did her job, but it was so uncompassionate for the intensity of what I went through. It wasn't great... I should also mention she I called the clinic to ask her if she wanted to make another appointment or if I could just stop taking it. She decided on that day for me to see her... she spent 5-6 minutes with me, and charged my insurance for a full meeting. Professionals deserve their pay I guess, but I found that a bit excessive for the amount of care I received. I play devil's advocate here... she may have just not been prepared for my meeting, it was impromptu she may have squeezed me in etc. but as someone once told me -- it CAN be both. I can validly feel the way I do and accept those facts as well.


This, planned, meeting is supposed to cover a lot tomorrow. She wants to really look into my bipolar, talk about specific symptoms, share my ADHD screening, and talking about my genetic testing results. I really hope, overall, that goes better than our last visit. I don't want to leave again feeling I did something wrong or I'm stupid for reaching out.


I have a lot of fears of what will happen. First and foremost, I have had almost every antidepressant on the planet. Because of my depressive symptoms I can see her pushing that route (albeit probably with a bit more precision with the genetic testing) and I'm apprehensive about another antidepressant. However, I have this feeling if that's what she has in mind, that's what is going to happen. I'm not 100% against it, but i'd rather go another route.

I will bring up to her, and be firm, weight gain is an issue and I am not taking a medicine notorious for large amounts weight gain. I watched the struggle my sister had with Depakote and sometimes I wonder "can they really say it helps when it creates scenarios that exacerbate the emotions it is supposed to take care of?". I had lots of weight gain from antidepressants specifically. I've mainly had antipsychotics paired with wellbutrin in the past, and I've not seen a lot of weight change. I am prepared for the argument that will essentially come down to "Well, which is more important, feeling better or your weight?".


I don't know if I can answer that. I've researched into why weight gain tends to happen with medicines like this, and it's still unclear but there are a few theories, especially considering blocking of H1 receptors. I know no one here is gonna give me the line of "Eat right and exercise and you won't gain weight.", but that is so disheartening the lack of understanding on behalf of professional and laypeople alike in that respect. I don't know how many doctors are willing to offset weight gain with meds, like wellbutrin for example,. or other, non-psychiatric, meds. I've heard of metformin being used to help offset medication weight gain. I really hope it doesn't come to a conversation like that.



On the therapy front, I'm a afraid of a confrontation. I've had so many bad experiences dealing with people lately I've really adopted a sentiment of I don't need to be around people. I'm afraid of hearing the words "I don't know what you expect me to do" from my therapist again while trying to get help. I am unsure what therapy can do for me. I am unsure it can change how I feel. I'm there willingly and wanting help.. I don't think it's so simplistic as "Change your mind and believe help, or suffer.". I am also very apprehensive to talk about past traumas and even things like my divorce because of reason I don't want to get into, but I am afraid of reactions or consequences of talking about it. The more time I spend thinking about it, the less I want to continue with treatment, because I feel like I won't get better and everyone involved will get fed up.

My first step is at least going to my appointments tomorrow. I will see where to go from there, but I am very afraid of being put into another scenario where I'm talk to, about me, rather than with me. The one thing I have knowledge and control of -- being told how I should think or feel or treated like reaching out was the wrong decision. Let's just get tomorrow over with, you know? I'm ready to obsess about the next thing to come in my life. That'll at least be filling myself with turkey for thanksgiving. LOL (It's my favorite holiday and the only time I eat turkey all year to be honest. I only crave it this time of year!)