I have been coping pretty well with both my depression and my generalized anxiety, on an unmedicated basis now. I do have fears though of perhaps something setting me off when I'm out in public (which isn't a lot, yet, thanks to Covid). This morning, I was home, and had one of my first actual meltdowns in a very long time.

I need some emergency oral surgery for a tooth that was crowned years and years ago, but has always been a source of dull aches and pains, ever since day one. It was never really right. Money has been a real problem for us, as I apparently do not qualify for any kind of assistance or pension. It's the old "you're married, so your husband can take care of you" attitude. I was used to working and getting a paycheck ever since I turned 16...so this has been a thoroughly horrible disaster for me emotionally, professionally, and now, financially. We are just getting by. I don't know what's going to happen with this tooth situation.

I have some time to make up my mind. I need to get over the now-raging infection in my jaw, before anybody can do any work on it, anyway.

I've been referred to a specialist oral surgeon; but when they called this a.m. to confirm my appointment, and let me know what to expect cost-wise for JUST a consultation, I almost dropped the phone. Forget about the actual surgery! (Now I know who's driving all those shiny new luxury cars I always see when I go into the big city...!)

After getting off the phone, and reflecting on where this all leaves me, I started to shake and cry. ALL of the financial anxieties we've endured, and all the demoralizing effects of these two disorders came rushing over me. Emotions I figured had been dealt with years ago threatened to overwhelm me. I was still a shaking mess when husband came home for lunch. Fortunately, he was calm and supportive and reminded me, it's all MY decision, and that we'll be okay with whatever I decide to have done. (It was nice of him to say--- but in truth, it will just be another bill hanging over us.)

I am bone tired of worrying about money. We can never seem to get ahead, or put money by for emergencies. Raises and bonuses get gobbled up as soon as we receive them. The house insurance has gone up (and it was high to start with.). It's so challenging right now trying to save money on groceries. Gasoline has become outrageous. The car needs fixing---we keep putting that off, and putting it off. And, now that I list it out here, I am understanding better about the power it all has to throw me into a massive spin, after doing so well for a good long while. It's omni-present, this concern about money. It affects EVERYTHING.

I bless the young, confident pharmacist who had the courage and the will to lobby my GP to allow me to have Ativan for emergencies. I did take a half a pill and was able to pull myself together reasonably well. It also helps me focus, and dispels the dizzy, out-of-whack thinking that happens when I'm badly spun out, which I'm absolutely grateful for.

My heart goes out to everyone who can relate. This stuff is as hard to describe as it is to live with.